Takes the piss

Fucktard Friday request list...



And then today: 'all of these in a 32gg'

Insects

KM: do you feel ok?
RG: yeah, but you know when you fit someone and you just feel dirty? And she was huge... It was like fitting a bumblebee...
EM: ooooh... Was she hairy too...
KM: did you hear what Sara Cox said about this new bumblebee that doesn't have a sting? She said it was just a fly in a stripy jumper!
RG: that's like what they say about squirrels... They are just rats in better clothes...
EM: velvet jackets....

Swimsuit rage

EM: what's going on with Emma and this swimsuit?
EA: we sent her the swimsuit on discount
EM: why?
EA: I accidentally ordered her two bikini tops instead of swimsuits and she was piiiissssssed!
EM: she was fine when I spoke to her on Monday... She was going to come in on tuesday?
EA: oh, we didn't let her come in. Her mother in law got involved and RAGE!
EM: oh for fucks sake..

Wind

(cust who returns stuff left, right and centre has a fitting with MR)

EM: how's it going?
MR: not too bad. She's got a tummy problem. She swells up but the 36's she had are too loose but she's going back to her 'normal' size (38). I've told her to eat ginger. She's just got wind... Ginger will get rid of it...

Charity

EA: charity nazi's were trying to stop me and I said 'NO! I'm on a work errand!'

(referring to the people with clip boards who stop you and try and guilt you into giving money if you say no)

Rash

EA: (scratching her leg, starts singing) I've got leg aids... And I don't know how to cure em...

Wages

(checking off a recall, EA is calling out styles of clothing and sizes. She shows EM a skirt which is hideous but we only have one in stock to send back)

EA: and this flowery shit in an 8...
EM: have all the other ones gone on a picklist or...
EA: I don't get paid enough to care...

Pregnant rage

(pregnant lady comes in and asks for a fitting for her friend, who is going to be her bridesmaid)

EA: the next fitting is going to be in about 25 minutes
Cust: ok, well we can go to Starbucks for a coffee
EA: there's a costa just up the street...
Cust: I'm pregnant! I'm not drinking coffee from there!

(this cust has obviously been reading this: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2068326/Why-mothers-avoid-high-street-coffee.html instead of drinking decaf coffee so she limits the effects of caffeine, she just goes to the place that sells the least amount of caffeine in a cup of regular coffee. There is logic in there somewhere... Maybe...)

They don't no nuffink

(cust comes down with a slip of paper)
Cust: hi, I've been given this and told you can find them for me, I wear a 32gg but the are cutting me in half so she told me upstairs (that would be KM) that if you go up a size you have to go down in the cup... Is that right?
EM: yep
Cust: oh! Good!

(your lucky lady, we usually just drag people off the street and get them to chat shit to you. Rather than have people who know what they are talking about)

Read the instructions

(JH comes in after being off sick for a few days, EM knows just the thing to cheer her up)

EM: You know these tablets (points to the box of barocca)
JH: yeah
EM: JJ has never had them before
JH: has she not?!
EM: no... She had one yesterday but didn't know what to do with them do she ate it...
(JH laughs so hard she starts coughing)
JH: they say effervescent on the box!
EM: maybe that's what she thought they would make her feel
JH: oh god! Thanks for that! That's cheered me up no end!
EM: when I came in here she told me what happened but she had it in a cup so I don't know if she spat it out into some water...

(later on)

JH: I asked JJ about it and she said she thought she was having a fit because she was foaming at the mouth!
EM: REALLY?!
JH: yeah!
EM: oh my god!

Alright then, don't

EM: do you need any help with the sizes of the sports bras?
Cust: I'm looking for this one (white wired Freya) in a 36gg. I can't see one up here
EM: we have more sizes in our stock room as we just can't fit everything out. Was it just that you were interested in?
Cust: yes
EM: ok, let me check our stock and see of its avaliable
(EM checks the computer, it is in store. Cust is still checking the rail)
EM: it should be in the stockroom if it's not up here...
Cust: I'm still checking these...
EM: ok, well I've written the code down here. If you can't find it then you can take this down stairs and they can get it for you to try...
Cust: (takes paper) thank you
(EM goes back to the till to carry on checking in a delivery. EM spots the cust looking at other sports bras round the corner)
EM: was there another one you have spotted you wanted to try?
Cust: no just that one but it's not here...
EM: as I said its probably in the stock room but they can get it for you
(cust just walks out)

Make your mind up

(on the radio)
BT: when is the next fitting please?
EM: it's going to be about 5-10 minutes
(huge pause)
BT: ok, the customer is going to come down and book an appointment for next Saturday
EM: ok
(EM gets the appointment book as cust comes down the stairs)
EM: hi, did you want to book a fitting for next week?
Cust: well, they have just told me there's one in 5-10 mins... I don't know what to do...
EM: well, I can book you in next week or there is a fitter free in 5-10 minutes...
Cust: urmmmmmmmmm...eerrrrrrrrr... I'll take the one in 5-10 minutes...
EM: ok, I'll go and let her know your here then

Song

(baby it's cold outside comes on)
EM: ooooh! This song is for you KM!
KM: what?
EM: 'my sister will be...' (EM puts hands on the top of her head like ears and waves them back and forward) 'suspicious!'
KM: ooooh god!

Grope

(EA comes into the office)
EA: you're going to have to coordinate, I need to take a fitting through and I've got a chinese girl who doesn't speak any English feeling me up
(EA drops the radio on the desk and goes into the stock room. EM follows her)
EM: what?!
EA: she said she wants this (strokes EMs boobs) but don't want this (strokes EMs back) she wants a fucking backless bra!

(EM later tells KM. they are both laughing about it when EA comes over)
EA: whatcha giggling about?
EM: you
EA: (holds her boobs) I've been violated!


(later)


EA: I'm going home so you need to coordinate
KM: ok... Good
EA: you do have somebody trying on
EM: she's Chinese and gropes your boobs
KM: WHAT...WHAT...WHAT...WHAT!
(EA and EM are laughing their arses off)
KM: IS IT HER?!
EA: no... She's gone...
KM: good
EM: WHAT!
EA: BACK UP! BACK UP!

Glasto boots

RG: what do they feel like?
HP: ...slidy...
RG: you're a health and safety nightmare!

Hide

(cust is looking through sports bras with her sister and her mum. She breaks the top off a hanger just as EM comes over with a list of styles and sizes that are avaliable for her. She tries to wedge the sports bra on the broken hanger at the back of the rack. She gives up trying to hide it there and leaves it on the top of the display.)

EM: shall I take that (EM reaches between the cust and her sister to get the sports bra)
Cust: it's not my size...
EM: that's fine...
(EM takes it and starts to go towards the till)
Cust: I broke it...
EM: I know...

Card issue

(cust hands over a bra for EM to scan)
Cust: how much is it?
EM: (looks at tag) it's £28
Cust: ok
(EM scans the bra, transaction gets to the payment part. The cust puts her card in. The chip and pin machine says 'pin blocked, contact card issuer')
Cust: it's saying pin blocked. I've never had a problem with this card before. It must be your system...


Not that you have entered your pin wrong three times then?

Just.shut.up

(cust has 3 panache moulded sports bras with her)
Cust: can I try these on?
EM: are they the right sizes for you?
Cust: well, no. I don't know what my size is in these because sports bras are not the same size as bras are they
EM: no they aren't but if you want to start with those then pop through to try them
(cust goes through, 10 minutes later comes out)
Cust: I'm usually a 32ff but these are too small round the back so can I try a 34ff?
EM: sure, I'll go and have a look
(EM returns with one in that size, cust tries it on)
Cust: the 34 is too big and the 32 is too tight. I tried in a 32f but maybe I need to try a 32ff?
EM: you brought down three? Was one of those a ff?
Cust: no, all I could find upstairs was a 32e, f and h...
EM: ok, I'll see if I can find one
(EM does, cust tries it on)
Cust: that doesn't fit either, it's fine round the back... Maybe the other 32 was just not a real 32 back...
EM: it might be if it was too small in the cup it was pulling the back round?
Cust: this is too big in the cup
EM: then it could be the moulding, do you want me to have a look to see what's going on?
Cust: no. I used to fit bras so I know what to look for... I will just stick with the ones I have... (custs dressing gown opens a bit so EM can see her bra) ooops! (quickly pulls gown shut) I'm not fussy... I jumped around and I was still bouncing, and that's not what a sports bra should do in my opinion... I'll leave it...
EM: ok...

(1- the sports bra was too big in the cup, so of course you will bounce. 2- you wouldn't let EM check it so there was no hope for it in the first place. 3- you wouldn't entertain any other styles, so you thought if that didn't fit then nothing would because 'your a bra fitter' TWATSACK)

Be kind, rewind...

Cust: I've just tried these on in a 32ff but I definitely need a 32g. Can you get me Freya bras in that size and this spotty one as well?
EM: so any Freya bras in a 32g?
Cust: yes
EM: ok, I'll go and have a look (EM goes and looks, there is only the Deco, Faye and a new style in the stockroom. EM goes up and checks for anything else, both sale and non sale. The three she found is all there is.)
EM: hi there, I didn't have the spotty one and these are the only three Freya ones we have in that size at the moment...
Cust: ok, thanks...
(cust appears 5 minutes later)
Cust: that's definitely the right size but can I have something with white straps or is white?
EM: they were the only three Freya bras that we have in in that size...
Cust: ...oh...

It's how we roll...

Merchandising... EA, KM and EM style...

Missing the point

Cust: (with her daughter who is going to have a fitting) the thing with these models, it's all very well that they have big boobs but they're not fat anywhere else...

What ever floats your boat

Cust: I like stiff bras...

How could you

Cust EA is helping wants to return a bra that the wires have come out of.
She admits that she's washed them in the washing machine but argues that they are only three months old.
EA tells her that because they are machine washed and it tells you not to do that she shouldn't return them, however as they are only three months old she will,this once, as a good will gesture.
When EA checks it turns out they are six months old to the day and tells the customer that because they are that old she really won't be able to return them.
Customer conceded defeat and left.
EM was serving a cust who had never shopped in the store before who chucked her two cents in...

Cust: how can she think it's ok to bring back a bra that's six months old, that she's put in the washing machine! That's ridiculous!
EA: we've had worse, believe me!
Cust: ooh, I can imagine!

(EM tells KM about it later on)

KM: ooh! I love it when customers get enraged about other customers for us!

I'm not stupid

Cust: can you order these (hands EM a peice of paper with the full codes/sizes of two bras) EM: sure
Cust: and I'm going to buy this one now
EM: ok (EM places mail order, cust then drivels on about how pants don't come up high enough and her post kid belly hangs over the hipster style ones, and they don't look nice on as not everyone goes straight up and down)
EM: ok, right, I've ordered those for you...
Cust: so that's a panache bra that's padded, in nude a 34dd and another panache bra that's not padded but in nude as well and in a 34dd?
EM: yep, (points at paper with them written on) that's these, which is what I've ordered...

Constant fitting

Trapped in this one small room
With ladies, big and small
Trailing all day long
Up and down this fucking hall

Constant fitting
Have always been

Every style we have in stock
I've managed to use today
Co-ordinator tells me I've over run
And tempers begin to fray

Constant fitting
Have always been

Fitting
Ah ha
Constant fitting
Have always been
Have always been

Constant fitting
Have always been

Constant fitting
Have always been

Fitting
Ah ha
Constant fitting
Have always been
Have always been
Have always been
Have always been
Have always been
Have always been

Good advice

This beauty came from Evans


'always fasten a new bra on the middle hook. That way you will be able to loosen or tighten it if you need to'

Yes, because the bra is less likely to stretch that much that you will need to tighten it up via all the hooks. It's much more plausible that the bra will stretch out but you will put on even more weight and need to loosen it off.

Didn't catch her name...

EM answered the phone and booked in a cust for a fitting. She didn't quite hear what the cust was called, so wrote down what she thought the cust had said and then fucked off on lunch to leave the others to deal with it...

Risk assessments

If there was a delivery of larger, Mr health and safety man, it would indeed lead to a repetitive handling. And I wouldn't just write about it on the example risk assessment, I would write about it in the real thing!

Douch-aye

A posh douchebag

Just to annoy you

Tape measure fail

HS introduced EM to the Gossard website which showed off particular bra horrors they thought would entice you to buy their bras...
Such as these gems:





They have a bra size calculator... Needless to say, HS and EM got the old tape measure out and put them to the test. HS:


The pants are right... Bra, not so good. Two back sizes too big and four cup sizes too small...

EM:


Too big for pants?! EM takes a 12-14! Bra size, well, shocking! Four back sizes too big and a cup size too small. They had a go on Triumph too...

HS:


Same bra size but HS is too big for their pants (shes a 10)

EM:


Again same bra size but too big for their pants. LaSenza came up with the same bra size, as did Ann Summers. Evans was the only difference. HS was too small for them and EM was classed as a 40dd.

So, with this new bra size information in mind, it's time to try on those sizes!
HS:


EM:


HOLY SHIT! I'VE NEVER SEEN SUCH BULGING! And people think this is fine? Between them they had 10 boobs!

Blogobo links

Voucher

Cust: so my daughter has a £50 gift voucher... How does that work? Will she get change?
EM: yes, it will go on another voucher...
Cust: ok good... (transaction goes through)
EM: go you want the receipt in the bag?
Cust: what? She gets a voucher doesn't she?
EM: yes... That's a receipt... for the transaction...

Pick one and move on

Cust: have you any 32e's?
EM: everything comes in that size, is there...
Cust: (interrupting) I couldn't find any...
EM: we have more in our stockroom, was there anything in particular?
Cust: well a 32e in white or cream...
EM: ok, anything in par...
Cust: (interrupting) I don't like wires...
EM: ok, our softcup ones are over here (shows cust to them)
Cust: yes I did have a look but I couldn't find a 32e
EM: as I said we do have more sizes in our stockroom. Was there one in particular you wanted?
Cust: there was a new one?
EM: that's this one (picks up the rosalind)
Cust: oh right... I've had this one before... (points at pink Royce) but not in this colour... I can try other colours... What have you got in a 32e?
EM: do you want to try a few on?
Cust: well I want to try about three...
EM: (restrains herself from doing the 'brain explosion' hand gesture buy tucking her hair behind her ears) do you want me to get someone to find all of them?
Cust: well I don't need to try this one on (points to pink Royce again) but they used to do it in a white...
EM: this is the ivory one...
Cust: yes, I've got that... I'll try the pink... Maybe this one... (points to black Sophie) but I don't really want black.... Do they do it in any other colours?
EM: (points to the pink version right next to it) yep, it comes in pink
Cust: I don't want pink... I'll try this black one (points to the Royce Charlotte)
EM: they do a white one... (points to the white one directly above the black)
Cust: oh yes! I'll try that... And the new one...
EM: ok... (goes to computer to check them)
Cust: do I go downstairs?
EM: I'm just going to check we have them... now I know what I'm looking for...

Pricy

Cust: how much are your j's?
HS: err... EM!
EM: what?
Cust: how much are your j cup bras?
EM: all sizes are the same price...
HS: yeah!

Best of the rest

LITBD finished trawling the web and came up with these breast related horrors...





Clearly fake boobs. It might be a shadow but it also looks like they are lumpy!


No bra needed, they're called pecs now. Manface...


This bra turned her boobs into quotation marks?!?


SQUEEEEEEZZZZZZE

Dress woes

They are just not designed for tits...


Squeezy


Shelf


Saggy (tin foil covered)


Flop over

Camel toe

'pat benatar camel toe' is a search key word, twice... LITBD had a little look. While she didn't find the benatar camel toe pics she thought she would, she did come up with these...

Bad swimwear...

How these are supposed to hold anything up I'm not sure...





That is a crochet swimsuit... Will weigh about a stone when wet


Sweets... And thread... That is all


WHY?!


Mummified skin... On the back


And what looks like a dish cloth on a peice of string covering her vag...