This is why you do your bras up at the back

So that they dont end up looking like you stood on it and tried to pick it up without taking your foot off it...

I think you're confused

Cust: I want a black bikini in a 28JJ
EM: sure (writes down 28JJ on a notepad in front of cust) is it just the bikini you want in the double J?
Cust: yes
EM: I'll have a look for you

(Goes into stockroom, there is only a K or a HH)

EM: the closest I've got is a K
Cust: thats going to be far too big
EM: it's one cup size bigger than this (holds up paper so cust can see) or its a HH which is going to be two cup sizes smaller
Cust: have you got an F?
EM: an F? Thats seven cup sizes smaller than the double J you wanted...
Cust: I'll try it

(EM goes into the stockroom, theres a double F)

EM: try this one...

(Later)

EM: how did you get on?
Cust: it's a bit small but I'll take it
EM: ok...

Noaw!

(CB confirms with JB, who is downstairs, when the next fitting is)

CB: (to cust) I have booked you in for a fitting in 20 minutes. If you like you can wait downstairs or you can go out and come back in 20 minutes?
Cust: I'll sit downstairs

(Cust goes down, sees JB waiting to see who is coming down the stairs)

Cust: You're a fitter, you can take me through now
JB: I can't I'm afraid, but your fitter will be able to in 20 minutes...
Cust: Oh...

Size denial

Cust: I'm looking for some bras in a 32DD
EM: Ok, were there any in particular?
Cust: Well, I was actually looking for the underwired Shock Absorber sports bra...
EM: We dont do that I'm afraid, we do have this Panache one and our own brand one
Cust: This one here? (points at the Panache)
EM: yes, thats the Panache and then the one below is our own brand
Cust: Why would anyone want padding in a sports bra!?! I've had your own brand and I hate it. It makes your boobs look really big and puts them under my chin, I dont know why anyone who is a 32DD would want their boobs to look any bigger...
EM: Oh
Cust: I've been a fitness instructor for years and I kept writing to Shock Absorber to get them to bring out a wired sports bra, "NO WIRES FOR SPORTS!" they said! And then they bring one out! They must have listened to me...
EM: Yes...
Cust: I think a 32DD is fine, I've put on seven or eight punds so I'm coming over a little bit but I know when I shit it they will be fine. (cust picks up three bras) So if I can try these in that size please
EM: Sure (checks, we have them, writes them down) Pop down with this and they can get them for you

(Later)

MO: That woman you sent down is mental. I took out all the 32DD's she asked for and none of them fit, shes more like a FF. She took one look at them and said that they all must be labled wrong as they looked far too small!
EM: What size are you putting her into?
MO: About 30G
EM: Jesus, she had a right episode about looking big for a 32DD in sports bras...


(Later)

Cust: I'll just take this, its a completely different size to what I have now.
EM: Brands do vary in size which sometimes isn't helpful
Cust: Why cant people just have a standard size? It's ok for men, if you are a 36 inch waist you can go in any shop and it fits! Bras must have been designed by men because they know women will put up with it
EM: Yes...
Cust: This is a 30FF (actually 32FF) and my bra is a 32DD and fits perfectly still...

(Checked history, 'perfectly fitting bra' which she admitted to falling out of is three years old...)

Not sure that's possible

Cust: I get all my bras from here, I've hurt my hand and cant do my bras up, do you have anything that fastens at the front?
EM: I'm really sorry but we don't
Cust: I thought you had one, I saw it on your website?
EM: We don't do any, you could try Debenhams or John Lewis?
Cust: I dont know where I was looking then... You dont have anything?
EM: Do you do your bras up at the back or do you turn them round?
Cust: At the back, I've tried turning them round but the style makes it impossible.
EM: You could try a bigger back size? That would make it easier...
Cust: No, I need it firm to support my bust, I want a nice shape, lots of lift but to do up at the front...
EM: Have you tried Triumph?
Cust: No, I'll give them a go...

Not sure that works

FH: I've got my first driving test booked!
MR: I took five tests, they still don't know I've only got one eye
FH: well, lesson I mean, and its technically my seventh but they were so long ago they don't count
MR: (to EM) I bet you only took one test
EM: yeah
MR: I knew you would, it's because you're mechanical, good with machines and techy...
FH: aww, you machine, you...

Wrong end of the stick

JB: people are so stupid today... Your lady seems really simple
FH: she's not simple she's deaf
JB: she still seems simple
FH: no she is actually deaf, I was explaining something to her and she ignored me and started talking about something else, so I worked it out
JB: she's simple
FH: no she's not! Just because she doesn't talk like a deaf person doesn't mean she's simple!

Later

JB: I hate people today...

What type of bra?

FH: a customer just asked to return a sports-less bra
EM: a sports bra?
FH: no sports-less
EM: did she mean it wasn't good for sports?
FH: nope
EM: did she mean support-less?
FH: nope, she definitely said sports-less
EM: she returned a sports bra?
FH: you'd think, it was a strapless
EM: how is that sports-less?

Know thy codes

(Cust is looking through bras and asking FH to check for them)

FH: whats the code for the Purity?
EM: AU31 I think...

(Later)
FH: whats the code for the Melrose?
EM: SB25

(Later)

FH: whats the code for the Elodie?
EM: FAG7
FH: I knew that one, I was just testing

Cust: this one is like the one that came in black and gold isn't it?
EM: yeah
FH: black and gold?
EM: AU08
FH: stop it! You're making me look bad!
Cust: no, she's making herself look odd
FH: I like you, you can come back...

No boobs

Cust: my boobs are huge. I need a reduction...
FH: well actually, your boobs are the same size as mine
Cust: what! You don't look like you have boobs

(In the stockroom)

FH: my fitting just told me that she doesn't think I have any boobs! I might strip off and shake em at her... or put on a Deco and shimmy at her...

What they expect

Cust: my boyfriend put my sports bra in the washing machine and its ripped, I'd like to exchange it for another one please...

(And we did)

Need women again

(Man comes in stands in the doorway)

AH: hello! Need any help?
Man: I'm just thinking that I need to make a hareem and then buy all your bras...
AH: oh, best get started then!

Complaints

Trible hooks? tribble hooks Not sure they would work...

Not p.c

(MR has got a cust in a dress and high heels and gets her to strut down to the big mirror, MR follows her and waits while the cust poses)

MR: the shoes are wonderful, lengthen the leg. I feel like a Corgi following an Afghan...

Need women

Not the first time this man came in...

(Man comes into the store, before being able to stop her, FH greets him)

FH: Hi there, can I help?
Man: Yes, I'm just thinking that I need to put a hareem together and buy all your bras...
FH: Ahh... (awkward silence)
Man: I see your window display has changed
FH: Yes we have new stock
Man: Yes we have window displays in Heffers that are in the back of the stockroom that we have to bring out...
FH: I see
Man: Do you know who this is singing?
FH: I don't, it's on a playlist
Man: You have a playlist?
FH: One that gets streamed through...

(Awkward silence again, Man is next to FH right in front of the till)

FH: So, is there anything I can help you with?
Man: No, I'm just working out what the song is...
FH: Ok then...
Man: Ah, 'Cheek to Cheek'

(Fiona goes off so she wont laugh, the man leaves)

FH: What did he just ask me?
EM: He wants a group of women so that he can put them in bras, thats HP's stalker. He's the one who said the exact same thing to AH the other day...
FH: Did he?!? I thought he was going on about those Aladdin trousers.... Why didnt you stop me from talking to him!?
EM: You were so eager to do work, you said hello before I could stop you!
FH: From now on, cough if I shouldnt be talking to someone...
EM: *cough*perv*cough*
FH: maybe a bit more like an actual cough
EM: *cough*
FH: Better

Jobs

FH: I had to give up 'pets at home' it was a good job, looking after animals (snuggles a pretend small pet) how would you like your hamster?
EM: barbecued?

Give us a clue

FH: oh I don't have any luxury things! (Pinches her fingers together really quickly)
EM: luxury crabs??

Appointment

EM: check out the name of the woman I've just booked in, this is what I heard and she spelt it for me
FH: on the phone? (Has a look at the screen) Bummmmm?
EM: I don't know how I didn't laugh
FH: not even Bum, it's Bummmmm
EM: that's what I heard
FH: B U M M?
EM: yeah
FH: sure it wasn't M N?
EM: I'm sure the first letter was B, it could have been Dumm but that's just as bad
FH: it's Dunn! D U N N! Search for her

(EM looks her up)

EM: there's no Bumm's
FH: now look for Dunn
EM: oh, there's one with a local post code so it must be her...
FH: I'm seriously questioning your skills as management...
EM: I'm going to leave it like that for funzies...

101 reasons bras don't fit

A customer gave in theses lists of reasons a ton of bras didn't fit her or why she didn't like them...