Drinks plz...

Waiter: do you want any other sauces (for the chips)
JT: no, this will be fine for the vultures thanks!

JJ: is this perfume? (looking at the dual salt shaker and pepper grinder)
Waiter: err... No...
Moi: it's salt and pepper!
JJ: it looks like perfume

JJ: la la la la! I don't want to hear any negative thoughts!

JJ: guess what size I am in the arabell-arr!?
JH: what size are you in the arabell-arr?
JJ: I'm a 28j
JH: what size are you in the pollyann-arr?

Moi: your a h!
JJ: no I'm not fuck off!
Moi: that's not what rigby and peller told you
JJ: I was so cross! She was such a bitch! I told her to fuck off putting me in something like that!
JH: did you really? Did you knock her out?
JJ: no... But I wanted to!

Monday

Put down of the day: "fuck on"

Great parenting award: woman who told JT her daughters 'huge' 32ff boobs sagged and that she also had a fat belly. The daughter was 15 and a size 10.

Dumb ass of the day:
Moi: have you tried the panache t-shirt bra?
Cust: is that the one with seams across the breast?
Moi: no, it's the t-shirt one, like this fantasie one your wearing...

Dumb ass staff of the day: EM for trying to go home with the radio

Saturday...

GB: the man said it would heal in 7 to 10 working days
Moi: 7 to 10 working days?
JT: yeah, it doesn't heal on weekends
GB: (laughing hysterically) and there's lots of bank holidays coming up

(telling EA about a tescos he-she)
Moi: plus it looked like if you looked at it wrong it would rape you in all your bodily openings.
EA: bodily orifices?
Moi: no openings
EA: that's the same thing
Moi: no openings, like your eye sockets
EA: eye socket rape, I'm going to have nice dreams tonight...
Moi: (putting a dress on head in despair) I look like a nun! Look at my habbit!
EA: a nun?! I'll have five hail marys an a eye rape please...

Cust: this bra sticks out quite far
EA: I'll get another one (brings back same bra in cup size down)
Cust: I really like this one!
EA: so you like the style?
Cust: (sticks out chest) yeah!
EA: (in stock room) this cust thought that the bra, when it was in a smaller size, was a completely different bra!

EA: right...
Moi: left
EA: right...
Moi: left
EA: right...
Moi: left
EA: right...
Moi: left
EA: up
Moi: down
EA: fuck you
Moi: go on then

Moi: is this the stuff KB has sorted out for her fitting?
NM: yes
Moi: oh...
NM: do we need the rail?
Moi: no, I've just put all of that on there...
NM: oh...
Moi: shhhsh... Don't say anything...
(later)
KB: that rail is everything for my fitting
Moi: haha, ok
(in stock room)
Moi: did you tell her?
NM: well... Yeah, she asked what they were and I said it was you...

Cust: I can't find what I want upstairs
JT: what did you want?
Cust: black
JT: ok, black what?
Cust: bras
JT: right do you want plain, lacy...?
Cust: yeah
JT: ok, what size are you?
Cust: I think it's a 36 but I don't know what cup
JT: in that case do you want to go in here so I can have a loom as I can't get you anything unless we know what cup size you are...


Man: I've been sent down here to ask you for the tape that pulls you boobs together (makes hand action that says 'thin tape' and then the sign for 'giant cleavage')
Moi: I'm really sorry but we don't sell any tape that would do that
Man: thats ok I think there's been confusion all round (he leaves)
Cust: (stood by desk while this crap game of charades was going on) well done for not laughing at the hand actions
Moi: I might have to go into the stockroom to have an epic giggle
Cust: I don't blame you!

NM: I've just put a tree out and bumped into the Lego man and then turned around to it an apologised...
JT: do you want me to go out and ask if he's ok?

HS: HP saw this and said I should try this on
Moi: and you wanted a donut
HS: I think there all gone
Moi: there all gone?!
HS: yeah I think JT ate quite a few
(later In stockroom)
EA: my lady heard you shouting about the donuts and asked me what was going on...

KB: this lady is the biggest person I have ever seen, she's like a 42/44
Moi: Jesus!
KB: you should see her when she leaves
Moi: maybe I should stand there eating a donut (I pose with donut right as someone opens the stockroom door)
JT: (to lady) she will be with you in a minute
Moi: (running away) damn it!


KB was fitting a lady that to every question said I dont know and then laughed. on discussing this later...
EA: at least she was having a positive emotion...
KB: it wasn't a positive emotion it was just general fucktardidness...

EA: (hugging JT from behind) JT an I are going to Essex to have sex... (terrified eyes from JT) not together obviously...
Moi: (pause) JT saw my vag...

Staff say the strangest things

If you had the neck of a giraffe with your head on top you wouldn't be able to brush your teeth. You could get round this by throwing toothpaste up into a tree and rubbing your face around or by standing four feet away and face planting on a car wash roller.

If you had four giraffe legs where your own two legs go you would be some sort of giraffe/human Eiffel tower.

If your posh you drink 'ween' not wine. Or have a shot of pimms...

JT makes the noise of a guinea pig when trying not to laugh out loud.

Would you rather..?

Have the shits or constipation?

Have huge features that covered your entire face or tiny features in the middle of your face?

A pea head or a huge head?

Legs covered in wool with hooves or bat wings for arms complete with claws for hands?

Would you rather have a giraffes neck with your head on top or four giraffes legs in replacement for your legs?

Would you rather be a dwarf or a midget?

Epic size

Spaz-tard Saturday

Cust: I'm between a 34f and g
(so a 34 ff perhaps?)

Cust feels up HS's boobs and waist.

Sending GB out to 'crowd control' while I was looking for stuff

Cust: I don't think balconies suit me I need something higher up, I'd like to try this... (points at fyu4)

Cust: can I try on these? (hands in a piece of paper, holds on to four pants and a bra)
Moi: is that one in the right size (pointing to bra)
Cust: I don't know if I need a medium or large in that..?
Moi: do you want to try it on in this size? (show her the piece of paper)
Cust: this is a balcony and I need it in a bigger cup size.
Moi: ok, let me find them (then in stock room to KB) did you tell your lady that was a 30ff that she would need a cup size smaller in these?
KB: noooo... I told her she might in freya, not panache.
Moi: was she a little bit strange cos she asked for this bra in a medium or large.
KB: I didn't realise she was a retard, no!

Moi: what size do you need?
Cust: I'm not sure
Moi: we have a fitting in ten minutes, you can put your name down but try on while you wait
Cust: ok
Moi: (puts her name down) what size do you want to try?
Cust: as far as I remember I'm a 36
Moi: ok
Cust: ff
Moi: ok, let me get those (in stockroom) JT can you give these to the lady outside
JT: ok
(five minutes later KB arrives to fit her just as she wanders through to try them on)
KB: (to the waiting area) Diane?
Moi: it's the lady in the pink top who just went through
KB: (knocking on all the doors while asking people if they are called Diane. I'm guessing she found her....)

Cust: (in hallway through fitting rooms, she looks at the door saying staff only) how do I get out?

MR: the Germans have left, it's all quiet on the western front

KB's fitting pulling down a swimsuit she was trying on and pulling down her pants as well. Vag-out-Vanessa

JT having a bit of an issue with period pain and declaring the titans are coming

JT: this ladies body feels like blamange

GB: this lady came in for a bra as she 'forgot' hers... How do you do that!?

Collection

Creepy

A 'young but not aged we'll man (bearded and bespectacled) comes in and stands in the doorway, takes a photo of the swimwear and then a photo of HS and then walks away...

Fucktard Friday

Some gems from today:

Cust tries on pants, clearly not caring about the amount of pubic hair on show that is on her inner thigh and then asks KB's opinion on the fit of said pants

Cust: is that what fold briefs do? Fold over?
Moi: (pause) yes...

Cust: I tried this dress on and I think it's sized wrong as I can't get it over my bust. I usually take a 14 skirt so I really do think it's been sized incorrectly. it really pulls apart
Moi: did it fit across the shoulders?
Cust: no it was like a bandage
Moi: have you had our clothes before?
Cust: yes I sometimes take a 16 or usually an 18 in tops. Maybe I should try an 18?
(I would like to point out that the bra she had on made her look flat chested in the middle and gave her wings under the arms, plus it was a plunging v-neck dress. She then also belittled me when I brought her the 18 by saying that I should have brought her the 16 as well)

Cust: I bought a black plunge bra that's a bit sexy, so it matched my trousers... I'm going to bring in my camisole to see if it matches that purple as I like my bras to match either the top or bottom of what I'm wearing as do many people...

Cust: does that bra come in petroleum?
JT: what colours that?
Cust: you know that colour that's purpuly, bluey, greeny blacky...

Customer listed every item she was handing back, including hangers...

Cust: can you tie the scarf, it always looks so professional when it's done here...
Moi: ok (so I hang it like a scarf where you put the ends through the loop you get when it's folded over and then wrapped around your neck)
Cust: oh no I meant like this... How do you do this? (she had a floaty scarf with a knot in it)
Moi: oh, it's just a knot like on shoelaces, I don't know how tight you want it as I might do it and then you can't get it over your head...
Cust: (puts other scarf on) this one is perfect...
Moi: (out of desperation I knot it and hold it up) it's just done like this...
Cust: oh that doesn't look the same...
Moi: (wtf silence... Still holding scarf up)
Cust: let me just look in the mirror...

Talking clock voice...

Lady comes in singing to the song on the radio in a really sensational voice.

Comes up to HS and then in the thickest Scottish accent you can find asks for the cheapest white bra we have...