Fantasie fail

Advert for the new Esmi bra



Smooth so you don't see any wrinkles etc... Good so far...



Straps set further in so they don't fall off your shoulders... It's looking good... Hang on? Why is it riding up the models back?



That's why. It doesn't fit! Tightest hook, much?!
Fantasie fail...

And it was looking sooooo promising!

Clever system isn't it?!

EM: have you got a list?
Cust: yes, can I try these on?
EM: sure, I'll go and get them for you
Cust: did she write the size down?
EM: yes... (shows cust the slip of paper) 32dd
Cust: oh! She's very organised!

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET THEM IF I DON'T KNOW WHAT SIZE IM LOOKING FOR?

And why did you have it done then?

Cust: can you check this?
EM: sure... It's quite firm round the back... Do you like your bras this firm?
Cust: I've had my boobs done so I want them to stay up there
EM: ok, let's have a look round the front... It's not too bad but you do have a lot of space round the sides... I'm going to grab you a different style to try
Cust: ok...
(EM gets a new bra for her too try)
Cust: can you check this?
EM: yeah, it's better at the sides, you don't have all that extra room...
Cust; I just feel really booby in this...
EM: ...ok...

This could be interesting

LITBD has just spotted a promotion in the window of Ann Summers...





It's to find a 'real woman' to front their advertising campaign.

All very well and good but where are the real size lingerie that these women need to be in?

Bid for freedom

Up your own arse, much?

KM: (on radio) when's the next fitting?
EM: err, just give me a couple of minutes (EM finishes talking to the lady she's helping. A cust is coming down the stairs as EM rings KM on the radio)
Cust: I think that's for me
EM: ok, the next one is in 40 minutes...
Cust: can we make it 45?
EM: sure...

(later)

KM: you know that lady you booked in
EM: yeah
KM: when you said 'give me a couple of minutes' the cust said 'shall I just go down and ask cos I can see her standing there and she's not doing anything?' and I was like 'I think she's just trying to work out how long it would be for you'
EM: what the fuck!? I was talking to another customer!

(later still)

Cust: can I just show my boyfriend?
EA: yeah, but he can't come into the carpet
Cust: can't he just stand there? (points to an area where you can see all the way down the fitting rooms)
EM: he can't, sorry, but we have other ladies in there who might not appreciate it

(later STILL)

EA: when I got back into the fitting room I apologised again and she said 'it's alright, men just don't understand'
EM: she's the one who asked! What a fucktard!

Have a think about it

Cust: can I have this in a 34gg?
EM: that one only goes up to a g
Cust: really?
EM: yes, the moulded one goes up to a h and it is the same style
Cust: are you sure? I think I've got one on now...
EM: we have never had it in a gg
Cust: oh... Ok I'll leave this one then

(EM has a look through her records, cust does indeed have one of these... In a 34g)

Tragic phone call

JJ: just to warn you I've got a right bitch on the phone... She's said that when she got fitted last week we gave her a hh and she ordered a h and we gave her the 'wrong bra!' she's saying that she should have had a bra through the post and all she got was a pre-paid returns sticker. When I told her that all she needed to do was to send it back she said 'no I don't!' she's getting quite shitty just to let you know...
EM: great, where's EA?
JJ: I don't know?
JH: she's doing damages...
EM: EA! Can you take this phone call?! I'm not very good with this...
EA: ok... Where is she?
JJ: stockroom phone...

(it turns out that this cust had spoken to CS and they had told her that she needs to send it back so they can swap it. They sent her the sticker to post it back with but she had decided that they should have just sent her the bra. She then got arsey when we told her the same thing...)

How does that work?

KM: what did you need it for?
Cust: I've got this 70's night, fancy dress and I've got this top that's halterneck and off the shoulder...
KM: oh! Right...?

Sports bras suck

JJ: did you need any help?
Cust: well, I just want a comfortable bra
JJ: what size are you looking for?
Cust: I want a 34dd, I find the clips dig in so I have it on the second hook usually
JJ: in that case did you want to try a 32 so that you can do it up on the loosest?
Cust: someone tried to put me in a 32 and it nearly killed me
JJ: well you do have to be comfortable...
Cust: yes, I need comfort as I do aerobics
JJ: in that case you would be better off in a sports bra
Cust: no I won't. I've taught aerobics for thirty years and I see all these ladies in sports bras and they still bounce around
JJ: to be fair they probably haven't been properly fitted
Cust: yes I know that...
(cust tries on a selection of bras but won't let JJ check any of them. Cust dismisses them saying 'err, don't like it' or 'horrible shape')
JJ: (through door) do you want me to get you some fuller cups?
Cust: no!
JJ: well do you want me to check the one your trying to see if the size is right?
Cust: too late! It's off!

Say it again, Sam

Cust: can someone get me the bottoms for this? (Demi Diva)
EM: sure, what size do you want?
Cust: L or XL? I don't know what they mean...
EM: L is about a 14 and XL is about a 16. If you go for the shorts I would try the 14 as they come up big...
Cust: is there any high leg ones?
EM; yes, there is the tie side briefs but it depends on if you want the bows on the side...
Cust: and are they high leg?
EM: yes... As they tie at the side so there's no band as such so they come right up the leg
Cust: can you take the bows off?
EM: not really, if you undo them then the pants come apart
Cust: can I see both because I don't really understand what you mean...


TIE SIDE! CLUE IS IN THE TITLE!

Ring ahead...

Cust: hello, we phoned earlier when we were on our way back from Leeds about a fitting. We live two hours away and this is our closest store...
EM: ok, do you have an appointment?
Cust: no, we didn't know what time we would get here as we were coming from Leeds so were here now and hope that I can have a fitting.
EM: I'll just find out if we have a fitter free for you
(EM radios down. There is a fitter free)
EM: If you pop down, they are ready for you...
Cust: oh, lovely... (cust goes downstairs)
EM: why did they ring?
KM: I don't know. To let us know they were coming... From Leeds...

Are you sure?

Cust: can you check my waist size? I can't remember if I'm a 28 or a 30
EM: (looks at tag) this one is actually a 32f
Cust: well I think I need a 34 because this is tight...
EM: ok, we have a new colour in in that one...(goes through all the variations of the deco that we have as she's wearing the mint green one)
Cust: no, I don't like any of them...
EM: well you can get a red one from figleaves...
Cust: what's the figleaves one? Can you show me?
EM: it's a website... Figleaves.com...
Cust: oh yeah... I know... I really need one today...
EM: I could book you in for a fitting if you wanted...
Cust: no, I only got fitted a couple of weeks ago...
EM: ok (looked later and she was fitted six months ago...)
Cust: my dog ate my other one... (looks at the Cleo poppy one) here's a 34f, that will have to do
EM: do you want to try it on? It's very different to the one you have on...
Cust: no, (looks at lable) I've got one of these before...
EM: yeah, they did do it with a coral lace and a small floral print...
Cust: it's got stars on it..
EM: that's a plunge, it's completely different to that...
Cust: I've definitely got one of these at home...
EM: ok...

That, was difficult

Cust: can I have that in a 34j? (cust holds up pnb5)
EM: I'll have a check to see if we have had in something similar up to a j as that one only goes up to a h
Cust: (checks swing tag which says 'cup size d-h') are you sure? I've got these at home in a j
EM: is it specifically the plunge?
Cust: yes
EM: because the balconette version goes up to a k
Cust: what's the balconette?
(EM goes and gets one)
EM: it's this, it's the same fabric but it's higher in the middle
Cust: (nods) that's the one. I was thinking 'I'm sure it comes in a j unless you have lowered the sizes'
EM: ok, let me check... Yes we do have it in white, was it just the white you want?
Cust: yes, white and the plunge
EM: ...ok...
Cust: and a white sports bra in a 36j
EM: ok, well we have both. I'll get someone to bring them up
(Mrs Hardcastle walks in)
EM: (on the phone) can I have a pn53 in white in a 34j...
Cust: (interrupting) 36j
EM: (still on the phone, turns round to face her) and the Royce sports bra in white in a 36j, thanks (puts phone down) it was a 34 you wanted the bra in not a 36?
Cust: yes, a 34... I don't know if I should get them both in a 34?
EM: the sports bra comes up tight...
Cust: ok
(VG brings up both bras)
Cust: did you have the nude one?
EM: ...no, I'll get someone to bring one up...

Famous

Cust: my husband told me this is Rory McGrath's favourite shop

(good to know you think he's a perv)

Mrs Hardcastle strikes back

MrsHC: this is such a clever colour... No matter what your skin tone or hair colour it will suit you... Such a clever colour
EM: yes
(MrsHC then goes to the stairs and squats, her knees crack and then she comes back)
MrsHC: oh... I was listening to the lady downstairs and she said that she wasn't going to get fitted until she lost weight. Oh! She has no idea! You have to change your diet, you can't just exercise, you have to do both. If you just exercise you just get strong... Not loose weight...
(EM smiles)
MrsHC: I'm off to the gym for the n'th time this week, to huff, puff and hump...
(EM smiles more)
MrsHC: to hump weights... Not to hump...

Wellies started it all

KM: it's a good job we are wearing wellies...
JT: why?
KM: cos were gonna be knee deep in clunge...
(KM and RG do a high five as JT slumps on the table)
RG: oh my god! We could be the clunge five!
EA: shotgun colonel clunge! And our high five would be this... (high fives JT and then sniffs her fingers) What could RG be... Well as your going as a cave girl you could be cave clunge!
RG: nice!
KM: it's like the spice girls...
JT: ginger clunge... Baby clunge?! No! Let's get that off the table!
EA: what would EM be?
JT: we have to get the hulk in there... The clungeinator!
RG: what would JT be?
EM: chav clunge?
JT: what! No!
EM: what about dirty wine clunge?
JT: yes! I'll take it!
EA: what about KM?
RG: lady clunge...
JT: I could be lady clunge!
RG: KM is more of a lady than you...
JT: oi!
RG: well, it's true...
JT: well... Yes...

(later)

JT: I will break down your clunge door...
RG: just the one?
JT: yeah...
RG: does it not have double doors?
JT: no
EM: and as I'm the clunginator shouldn't that be my job?
JT: oh!!! We could all have super powers!
EA: I will control your clunges!
EM: lady clunge can clunge dive
KM: oohhhhh...!
JT: RG can be where all the clunges go... Seeing as she's a cave and all that...
RG: I can be covert clunging...
(RG imitates wrapping a clunge cloak around herself)
JT: did you have to do that!
EA: clunge stealth...
JT: what can mine be?
EA: what, mistress clunge?!
EM: dirty wine clunge?
JT: well whatever it is it's going to be filthy...

(later)
JT: we need a name for the hareem leader!
EM: it's like Charlie's angels...
EA: clungina...
JT: that could be the name of our mascot!
EA: you should have a daughter and call her clungina...
JT: (pause) I should have a daughter and call her clungina...?
EA: yes!

(later)
EA: ...golden foreskin...
EM: golden foreskin? (EM points at the hareem leader)
EA: yes!
JT: what?
EM: golden foreskin...
JT: oh my god... (JT then points at the hareem leader)

RG tries to bumwolf EA on the stairs, EA turns round so it was a 'clunge to clunge' thing...)
EM: well that was more clunge than bumwolf... Maybe that could be our thing...
(man comes out of the toilet)
EM: clungewolf!

While you were away...

LITBD had two updates sent to her this week....

Cust had to be cut out of a dress (unknown on if it was because she was too big for it or the dress was faulty but still, much fun on that one!)

And this little gem

Person1: I can't work out her accent. Is she foreign?

Person2: I think she's Welsh...