Swings and roundabouts

(cust comes down with the boysenberry Alana)

Cust: I'd like to try this on in a 34jj...
EA: ok, I'll go and have a look (comes back with the coral one) I'm really sorry I haven't got that colour but you can try the coral one on and I can see if it can be mail ordered...
Cust: well, if I'm going to try any on it would be the black one...
EA: ok...

(later EA tells VG and EM about it)

VG: yes, try the black because the coral one has aids...
EM: coral-aids...

Night out

(while in the pub toilets)

HP: I could have filled a pitcher with that wee...

Dilemma

JT: you know that guy I slept with, he text me about seeing me and I said come over whenever... Tomorrow... No I didn't really say tomorrow... Anyway I've got to see my grandma tomorrow...
HP: booty call... Grandma... Booty call... Grandma... Hmmmm

I don't know what you think your doing..

(EA knocks on her fitting room door and asks the cust if she can come back in)

EA: hello? Have you got it in?... (door opens) got it in? I meant got it on...

Accident

(Man comes into the store)

Cust: my girlfriend has sent me in to get a pair of these... (shows EM the tag to the porcelain shorts)
EM: ok, let me just have a look... (EM checks the pants with the porcelain strapless bra and finds ones that don't match and a pair of bikini bottoms) ah, I've got a pair here... In a 12...
Cust: are they the same ones!
EM: yes...
Cust: have you got a 14 or 16? The 12 will be to small...
EM: ok, let me check with the actual bra (EM moves away and cust follows)
Cust: if it's easier she's about the same size as me...
EM: (without turning around) ok, let me check with the other bra...
Cust: they are really plain, they almost look like men's boxers...
EM: yes they do...
Cust: my girlfriend said they are so comfy and men could get away with them...
EM: I've got a 14 but no 16's...
Cust: ok... And how much are they?
EM: they are £10.50
Cust: ok...(takes them and looks at them)

(MO has come upstairs to put some stock out and the cust starts whispering to her about the pants having a mark on them. Another cust comes up with all her bras and comes up to the till but stops and waits for the man to pay)

Cust: (man) you go first, I'd prefer it if you did

(woman pays and leaves)

Cust: (man) these are like men's, I'm over from Ireland and my girlfriends with me. She said I should get some as they are so comfy...
EM: oh, right...
Cust: actually, I've got a pair on now and they are comfy...
EM: nice...
Cust: but I need another pair as I've had a little accident...


(we had some guys in who were changing our glass in the window. I don't think the cyst realised that they were there and that they could hear it all...)

No hope

EM: is anyone waiting for a fitting?
Cust 1: I am!
Cust 2: I want some other sizes...
EM: (to cust 2) I'll be with you in a minute... (to cust 1) what was your first name?

(later)

EM: what size did you need?
Cust 2: 36 and 38 double e
EM: right... I'll go and have a look

(EM gets double d as that's the only one that sounds remotely similar to the one she said)

Cust 2: (after trying them on) I asked for double e...
EM: they don't do a double e, it's double d, e, or f...
Cust 2: I'll have an e then... These are not big enough...
EM: ok, I'll go and have a look...

(in the stock room)

HS: her boobs were bigger than mine! And she's probably a 30!

(the cust took a 38e. She was probably a 30h)

Having a baby

Cust: when is the next fitting?
EM: it's going to be in about an hour...
Cust: oh, your joking?! You don't have someone who can see me now?
EM: nope, we have three ladies waiting already for each fitter...
Cust: I've come all the way from Stourbridge, I need a nursing bra... I think I'm in labour now. My midwife told me to get one and go home...
EM: ok, I can help you while you try on... Have you been fitted by us before?
Cust: yes, I was told to come in two weeks before I was due and I'm due now
EM: ok... Well pop through and I'll have a look

(later, after finding a bra)

Cust: so when the baby drops, I can do this on the tightest hook?
EM: nooo, this should be as firm as it will be after the birth as your ribs ideally would have dropped already as the baby engages... Which is why we say two weeks before... If you haven't dropped then you might need to do this up on the tightest...
Cust: oh... Ok...

(are you sure your in labour??? Or are you just saying that to jump the queue???)

The three R's

(VG calls down the stairs to EM to ask when the next fitting is)
Cust: so what happens now? Do I just stand here?!
VG: EM is going to work it out and then get back to us...
Cust: thanks for letting me know...

(cust is booked in for 12pm. At 12 she takes a seat down stairs. EM walks past a few minutes later with her hands full of bras...)

Cust: what's happening about my fitting? I have one at 12...
EM: (checks the clock) I'm so sorry fitter is just over running, I'll go and let her know...
Cust: aren't you the fitter?
EM: no, we have a separate lady doing the fittings...
Cust: oh, I thought you were the fitter...

(later, while JJ is fitting her)

JJ: urgh! She bloody stinks!
EM: great, so she's rude, retarded and reeks!

Boob-boozled

(EM goes to get a cust a bra. EA is at the desk)

Cust: (to EA) oh my god. I feel like a man! I couldn't stop staring at her boobs, they were amazing!

(EA later tells EM)

EM: haha! Yes! (fist pumps) I've boob-boozled someone!

Don't help yourself

(a chav is sat on the sofa after coming down the stairs and just taking a seat. She hadn't spoken to anybody but just sat there and glared at everyone)

EM: (whispering) have you called for your fitting?
EA: (who is helping a cust with clothes) no... Anyone here for a fitting?
Chav: (walks up to the desk) yes
EA: sorry to keep you waiting, we didn't know you were here...
Chav: didn't you...

Woes

(a hideous customer that KJ had to deal with on Saturday last week. This Saturday she is working on the shop floor...)

KJ: oh, I'm clearly not suitable to talk to customers, or maybe they are just saving me from more emotional trauma...

(she was joking!)

Random

(HP is washing up)

HP: I love hot water...

Hangover lunch

All for one person... HP!

Death

KM: (checks for a strapless bra, we should have one) where is it!?
EM: in the box probably...
KM: urgh, I just looked in there... (starts wildly looking through the rail again) Kill me... Kill me now...

She's alright

BT: what's wrong with MR? She never has time off!
HP: she's got the shits...
BT: oh, I'm glad it's just the shits, I thought it was something really serious...

(later)

HP: it was so funny when BT said she was glad it was the shits and nothing serious... When MR says she's worked for forty years and never had a day off
EA: apart from when she got divorced... Which time was that?
EM: so she had about four days off sick then...
HP: (laughs loudly) low blow EM, low blow...

Do you want to be sorted out now or not?

Cust: when's the next fitting?
EM: it's going to be in about half an hour...
Cust: ok. I also have a sports bra that I got but it's just not comfortable, can I do that then ?
HP: if you wanted to you could try on now and get someone to check it...
Cust: so I can't have a fitting?
EM: you can... But if you wanted to we can check it now for you so you don't have to wait...
Cust: oh I see... I'll do that then...

Fantasie

Other names:

Fantasia

Fantasise

And now...

FANTEESE!

No...

(cust comes down with some bras. There is only one person on the shop floor. EA and EM are downstairs)

Cust: I'm looking to try this on and your colleague is getting me some others (cust goes off to try bra)
EA: (whispering) I don't think she is...

What's in a name?

MR: I'm fitting a lady called Trinidad, she's white!
EA: maybe it's where she was conceived?
MR: Trinidad, Trinny...
EM: could be...

(a second later, to EA in the stock room)

MR; isn't that a good name! And she's normal!
EA: oh god... Casually racist there...

Bitches of the world unite! Part 3

(all of these people had a bitch fit in the 30 minutes before we closed)

Cust: (after going downstairs) there's no one to help
EM: I think they are both helping other ladies who are down there at the moment
Cust: I can't wait for long, they seem really busy... (she has come in half an hour before we close and has four bras in her hand)
EM: I'll give them a ring so they can come out and help you... (EM picks up the phone and rings but then EA can be heard talking down stairs with another cust who had gone downstairs and waited) there's someone there, I can hear her...

(cust swans off down stairs and then comes back up again)

Cust: there's no one there! (dumps her bras down on the till and storms off)

Bitches of the world unite! Part 2

Cust: you need to have tags you can put on the door so people know you need help. Edinburgh does...
EM: some stores have buzzers of their fitting rooms are a bit of a warren...
Cust: yes, quite. But if you had something to hang on the door it would be better than having to stick your head out of the door and quickly shut it if someone walks past...

Bitches of the world unite! Part 1

Cust: (to friend) ooh, I like this one
Friend: do they have your size?
Cust: I don't know (to EM) is it just a case of looking through all the tags?
EM: pretty much but we do have more sizes in our stock room so I can check for you...
Cust: ok (starts looking and then turns to her friend) it would be so much easier...
Friend: why don't you suggest that in their book?
Cust: (to EM) why don't you have hangers with the size on?
EM: we did look into it but because we have so many sizes you would end up with varying shades of green...
Cust: it's such a pain, you have to look through every tag! Even in back sizes, just something...
EM: most of the time people just ask me to check...

(there are at most 10 bras of one style on display. And we have to go through them all if we need anything from the shop floor. This can happen multiple times a day. MAN THE FUCK UP!)

State of play

VG: we need to get this place ready for tomorrow
KM: wha... what's happening tomorrow?
VG and EM: it's Saturday!
HS: Armageddon...

Wrong!

EM grumbles about something in the stockroom

KM: that's a pain in the beehive!
EM: what?!
KM: I don't know! It was meant to be behind!

Good to know...

KM and EM are talking in the staff room during lunch. HP goes to wash up her stuff and says...

"I love hot water!"

Wrong code

Cust phones up to ask for a duplicate bra of the black one his partner bought two days ago and the white version. EM tells him that it doesn't come in white but we have styles similar to it. He says that's ok and he's going to come in to pick them up. EM gets the original bra and puts it to one side for him.

He phones up again and asks if it's definitely there as he is in a taxi coming over to get it. HS realises that the white one isn't there and asks EM what one it is. EM tells her that she told him it would be a similar style as the first bra didn't come in white. HS grabs a white one and puts it to one side.

He phones again and speaks to EA who tells him they are indeed waiting for him.

When he gets here he is shown the bras he tells HS that they are not the right ones. HS gets EM upstairs to find out what's going on. EM then spends 20 minutes arguing with him that the bra that's been saved is the one that was bought, black is the colour code not the specific colour of the bra and even gets the fitting sheets to prove it. EM then suggests speaking to the fitter who might remember what the other bra would have been. EM finds EA who then talks to him and knows what bra he is looking for and gets the black one and the white version as well.

He wanted the Lucine which is code AU28, EM read it as PA28. Which lead to this...

Rudeness

(EM walks past two custs who are at the bottom of the stairs. EM has an armful of bras)
Cust: are you busy?!
EM: I'm just helping someone but I'll be with you as soon as I can...
(EM drops off the bras)
EM: ok, how can I help?
Cust: she wants all the bikinis you have in a 38e
EM: ok...
Cust 2: I only want the ones with stuff in them (pinches her fingers together)
EM: ok... So moulded ones?
Cust 2: yeah... I don't want none of those that don't have shape...
EM: ok, I'll go and have a look...
(EM gets the two that are on stock)

Later...

Cust 2: (to her friend in the changing room) is this all they have!?!


(VG is talking to a man who is sat waiting for his wife)
Cust: (from changing rooms) excuse me, can I have some help?... EXCUSE ME! CAN I HAVE SOME HELP?!
VG: (sharply) I'll be there in a minute! (to man) sorry, I've got to go and help...
(VG goes to cust)
VG: what can I do for you?
Cust: I've cut my finger and I need a plaster...
VG: oh ok... (Cust has a tiny pin prick)
Cust: I don't want to bleed over the bras!
VG: I'll go and get you one...
(in stockroom)
VG: I've just been really rude to someone...
EM: really?!
VG: yeah, she shouted excuse me to me and I kinda snapped at her... She cut her finger and she wanted a plaster, there was a tiny spot of blood...
EM: what is she? A haemophiliac? Couldn't she have just sucked her finger?
VG: we don't have any plasters with arsenic in them do we?
EM: no...
VG: well, I'm being as nice as pie to her now as its that awkward point where we both realise we have been rude... I always look out for her though as she was the one who complained to head office when we ran out of tissue paper...
EM: really!? Can't she live if her bras are not wrapped?!

Job description

(JT has come in and is at the booth)

MR: hello! Are you a working girl?
JT: what?!
MR: I didn't mean are you a lady of the night I meant are you working here again
JT: I am neither a lady of the night or working here...

Dirty girl

(cust wants to make a return. HS gets EM who is at the furthest point to the till)

HS: (whispering) can you sort out the woman wanting to return the bras at the till, they are black. It looks like she's machine washed the fuck out of them and she's had them since November!
EM: ok...
(EM goes over)
EM: ok, how can I help?
Cust: I'd like to exchange these bras, this one the wire has come out of (French Fancy) and this one is too tight (boudoir beau).
EM: (casually pointing at the purchase date) So you were fitted for these in November and they have been worn?
Cust: yes, although this one (boudoir beau)not so much as I wore it the next day and it was so tight it made me bleed. But it's almost new... (the bottom of the band is black with dirt)
EM: if something's so tight it makes you bleed you should have let us know so that we could have sorted it out and rather than just exchanging these if it cut you so you bled maybe it would be better to have another fitting to find out why. Because you exchanged these for ones that you had in a 34G back in August...
Cust: ok...

(EM finds out when the next fitting is, books cust in. KM fits her)

KM: I got her to try her boudoir beau on and it fitted her fine. She said it was really comfy and that she must have lost some weight!