Mmmmm sexy...

Self adjusting cups?!?
Hook and eye fastening in your va-jay-jay...?!?

You wouldn't want to be pissed wearing this... Go to the loo, miss doing up one of the hooks and then sit down quickly... Having your bits sewn back together in a&e... All while your cups are self adjusting themselves willy-nilly...

Night out fail

One after one after one...

(while in a fitting)
JT: ok, well the one you have on is a bit small so I'm going to get a bra to try so I can find your size and then get the others
Cust: I only want this style
JT: yep, I need to get a bra first to be able to find your size...
Cust: and I just want black and white...
JT: yep, as I said, I need to get one first to find out what size you need... Ok...

Cust: (at the desk, looking at the magazine she's flicking through and not looking at EM at all) I need help
EM: ok... (pauses for cust to 1- stop reading and look up and 2 - to elaborate a bit more)
Cust: (still reading and says nothing)
EM: what kind of help were you looking for?
Cust: (folds up magazine) bra help? (put her index finger up to the corner of her mouth) am I in the right shop?
EM: were you looking for a fitting?
Cust: yes


(cust comes down for a fitting)
JT: hi there, can I have your first name?
Cust: eerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr... Why? (pause)
JT: so I know who I'm fitting...
(cust gives her name in a really pissy way)
JT: ok, so my name is JT so if you want to follow me through
(later)
JT: so what are you looking for?
Cust: anything
JT: ok, did you want lacy or just something really plain?
Cust: I don't care, I might not even be buying anything from you
JT: ok, what about moulded?
Cust: no, I cant fit moulded
JT: ok, well if I just have a look at the bra your wearing...
Cust: what? what do you want me to do? Take my top of?
JT: yes, so I can check the one your wearing...
(cust takes off top)
JT: ok, now if you just turn round so I can check the back
(cust does a John Travolta spin and then glares at JT, as though she just caught JT trying to rape her)
JT: I need to see the back of your bra so I need you to turn around
(later)
JT: so how does that feel?
Cust: it hurts
JT: right, where does it hurt?
Cust: (points to the wires under her arms) don't you want me to tell you what size I am?
JT: no you don't have to, we just try them on to find sizes...
(cust makes a sarcastic thumbs up at JT)
JT: right, I'll get a different style and go down in the back as you had this done up on the tightest hook
(JT brings a smaller back in a different size which the cust does up on the tightest hook)
JT: how does that feel?
Cust: I can't breathe
JT: if you put it on the loosest hook rather than the tightest. That way your able to tighten it up as it stretches
Cust: iv never done that before...
JT: well, it's what you should do if a bras fitting...
Cust: so what size have you put me in?
JT: this is a 28ff
Cust: (aggressively) your fucking joking
JT: ....what?
Cust: you've put me in a size I can't buy anywhere but here...
JT: you were in a 30f but it was big in the back, but you don't have to take it you can just leave if you want or look at other styles upstairs...
Cust: I'll just leave...
JT: ok...

What are they doing?

KM: they want an f in these
EM: oh...
KM: did they have a fitting?
EM: no
KM: so they just fucked in a fitting room?
EM: BAHAHAHA! I don't know, but you could ask them!
KM: ohhhhh! Haha!

Saywhatnow?

Cust: do you have any white basques?
EM: we have an off white one or ivory
Cust: my wedding dress is diamond white colour...
EM: ahhh...




So it's piss yellow or blue???

Goodbye

MR: see you next Tuesday!
JT: errr, are you calling me a cunt?

Crack

KJ: (comes back from lunch) costa is made with crack
HP: (pause) everything you say makes me laugh...

Accent

Cust: I've just been speaking to your colleague
EM: oh, have you
Cust: are you Australian? From New Zealand?
EM: no
Cust: oh, I thought I heard a twang... I used to live out there so I know how it sounds
EM: oh right...
Cust: sometimes people sound like it without being from there...

Special friend

Cust: I've just come in to look at your scarves
EM: oh yes, we have some in the clothing area
Cust: are they in the sale or are they new?
EM: they are new in
Cust: yes, well I'll just have a look upstairs... (goes to step) I can get up here... It's a struggle... (she goes up anyway)
EM: ok
Cust: I'm looking for a pink one really
EM: we do have one bright pink one...
Cust: yes, I'll have a look (dismisses EM)
(later)
Cust: yes, that bright pink one was lovely but it's not what I'm really looking for...
EM: oh...
Cust: I'm looking for a more pinky pink one to go with my outfits
EM: oh, right...
Cust: (hold up the end of the scarf she's wearing) I like this one, (a teal one) I got this on the sale at East... £9 it was... I like East (pause) I like here too...
EM: yes, it is nice...

Errrr...

JT: hi, do you need any help?
Cust: (stares)
JT: is anyone helping you?
Cust: no
JT: anything I can help you with?
Cust: I need these in my size
JT: ok, what size do you need?
Cust: I don't know
JT: did you want a fitting?
Cust: (stares)
JT: do you want someone to help find your size?
Cust: yes
JT: it's going to be in about 20 minutes is that ok?
Cust: (stares)
JT: is twenty minutes ok and then someone can help you...
Cust: yes, I want some help...
JT: ok... Hang on
(in stockroom)
JT: is EA free
EM: yeah
JT: good I need her for a right retard, I think she's foreign
(later, stockroom again)
EA: this is the last time I ever help you out!
EM: why?!
EA: she's just told me she's on a treatment program to make her boobs bigger!
EM: really!?
EA: I know! It's like 'what the fuck?!'
MO: I asked her if it was a man and she said 'oh, I don't know'
KM: and she's already a 32h
EM: nice and we send her in with the biggest boobs here, take a look at these bitch!

Memory loss

Cust: I'm going to take this purple one (the one she's wearing) and a white one...
JT: ok
Cust: (nods at JT for some time)
JT: ok, I'll go and get the white one while you get changed
(later, cust is now by the desk)
JT: here's the white one for you...
Cust: yeah, I'll take that and the purple one
JT: (looks at custs hands, there's no purple bra) do you have the purple one?
Cust: no
JT: did you leave it in the fitting room?
Cust: yeah
JT: ok... I'll just go and get it back for you...

Been here before?

Cust: hi, were both customers here and were looking for... Errr... A fitting
JT: ok
Cust: we have your bras on and were customers here but we think we have changed shape
Cust2: I don't think I have?
Cust: yeah you have. So, yeah, can we have a fitting?

Loud

(in stockroom)
EM: KM!
(stockroom door opens)
KM: you bellowed?
EM: (laughs) yeah, I'm going on my break so can I give you this... (the radio)
KM: well, I've been doing your job for you anyway....
EM: oooohhhhhh!

Challenge...

EA: (on radio) I've got a lady here for a fitting, she's looking for a plunge bra that's low at the sides...
EM: (on radio) ok, I'll get a fitter
(EM goes out of the stock room to book the lady in)
EM: hello, are you here for a fitting
Cust: I spoke to a someone upstairs
EM: yes, can I just take your name so I can let the fitter know your here...
(cust gives name and EM goes into the stock room)
EM: right I've got a lady who is after a plunge bra but it has to be low at the sides...
JH: pnb9 surely?
EM: I don't think it has to be strapless
MO: ohhhh...
JH: is she out there (also gestures 'is she massive')
EM: shes on the sofa and she's got blonde hair...
(JH goes out)
EM: haha! She's an old fatty!
KM: oh! Haha!
(later)
JH: (in stock room) yes... Thanks for that...
EM: take the pni1!
JH: your not being very helpful...
EM: the deco!
KM: yeah! The deco!
JH: noooo...

Use your telepathy

EM: how did you get on?
Cust: well these were too big around the back (holds up the pn53 in nu and au and puts them on the desk) but the cups were fine so I need a 30g in those...
EM: sure, what about that one? (points at pnb9)
Cust: well, it was a bit big... Errr... It's for my wedding dress so it needs to be low at the front... The dress is boned so it will lift it up... I think I'll get away with it... (puts it in a separate pile to the other bras)
EM: ok well I'll get these for you (EM picks up pn53's)
(later)
EM: I can only find the nude one but we can order the other colour for you...
Cust: what about the strapless?
EM: oh... I didn't look for that as you said you could get away with the other size...
Cust: (smiles)
EM: I'll go and look for that now...

Gu-dunk

Cust: I think I need this in a bigger size but I do like the style
EM: sure, how did you get in with the other one?
Cust: well this one (au01) just went gu-dunk (gestures a karate chop at the top of her boobs)
EM: errr, ok...
Cust: I didn't lime the shape, it just went gu-dunk (karate chop) straight in...
EM: so... It was too high?
Cust: no, it just went straight in, you know, gu-dunk (karate chop)
EM: do you mean it cut in?
Cust: no, maybe I should show you
EM: sure, if you put it on while I get this in a bigger size (pnm3)
(later)
Cust: do you see what I mean? It just goes gu-dunk (karate chop)
EM: it's too small which is why it's cutting in and this is a very uplifting style so it can seem quite pointy when viewed from the side compared to this (holds up pnm3)
Cust: oh...

I only want her...

EM: hi, how did you get on?
Cust: errrm, I'm looking for my fitter... I don't know where she's gone...
EM: oh, ok. I think she's in the stock room, I'll just go and get her for you...
(EM gets EA)
EA: (in fitting room) hi, how can I help you...
(later)
EM: what did she want?
EA: her labels cut off...

Well, you got that all wrong

Cust: have you got the book with the full range in it?
EM: that catalogue is our current range
Cust: oh... (flicks furiously through it)
EM: is there a particular one your looking for?
Cust: I can't remember the name
EM: can you remember what it looked like?
Cust: it had swirly embroidery on the top of the pants
EM: I think I know what one you mean. I can check on your records for you
Cust: yes, I had one from you and one from the Internet. The one from the Internet was the wrong size though...
EM: it's showing as the same size but two different colours...
Cust: is it!?!
EM: yes...

Mummy dearest...

Cust: what one do you think I should try mummy? (girl is about 20)
Mummy: why don't you try this one? (cl40cf) but you have to make sure the red doesn't conflict with anything you wear...

Tmi

Cust and daughter in the same fitting room


Cust: oooh I like these, there quite skimpy round my... (gestures to vag area)

Cust: (to daughter who is wearing the spotty deco with matching thong) oh that looks good, your boyfriends going to be ripping your clothes off...

Ninja

Says it all

Seriously... WHAT?!

Cust: I got this bra yesterday and it's far too tight, it's leaving all these horrendous red marks on me (shows some tiny red lines to EM) and the cups are far too big (hunches shoulders forward to make the cups sag)
EM: all bras will do that if you hunch your shoulders
Cust: theres so much space in here look (puts fingers in top of cups, it's a fag7 which she picked)
EM: ok, let's have a look at the back and see what's going in there first
Cust: see I have to do this up on the first hook which is never a good thing
EM: all new bras should be on the loosest hook to begin with so you can tighten them up later as they stretch
Cust: oh, well, if you say so
EM: right I'm just going to pull this down so that it's horizontal on your back (bra is halfway up her back) Right, now let's look at the front
Cust: there's so much room in here (starts pinching the fabric)
EM: looking at it I think the style is too high for you, I think maybe something that comes across the bust rather than up at the sides would be better
Cust: look at all this room (starts pinching the bra) maybe I need a smaller cup size?
EM: I think the style is the problem, as the wires are sat behind your breast. If we go down in the cup we are just going to get the wires sitting on you (EM pokes her nail in the side of the custs boobs to emphasise this) and not behind you...
Cust: no I don't want that...
EM: So as I said, I think we should look at a different style which sits lower on the bust
Cust: (pinches cups again) look at this, I can't wear this under anything fitter, it won't be smooth
EM: (nods) let's try a lower style to eliminate that
Cust: ok...
(later)
EM: ok, let's try this 40 and see how we get on, it's lower in the sides than the one you have
(cust puts it on)
EM: how does that feel?
Cust: it still feels tight
EM: ok, well, I can see it's riding up in the back slightly, as you can see, it should be horizontal on you but it's just starting to make a tent shape
Cust: I couldn't possibly go any tighter! I measured myself and used a program in the Internet and it said I was a 44
EM: well, that's why we don't use tape measures as all the bras are different
Cuts: yes I know I've been coming here for years
EM: well, if you wouldn't feel comfortable in a smaller size then maybe we just need to compromise
Cust: I'm not worried about what the size is, I'm not one of those people... And this is a 38?
EM: actually this is a 40
Cust: ok, let's try the 38...

Orbit

The A-Team

Well, we only like medium rare swimwear

Squeezing a monkey into a barrel

Cust: I'm looking for a pretty bra but I have to say you hardly have any selection in a 34
EM: we do have a lot more in the stockroom, because we have such a vast range of sizes we just can't fit them all out upstairs.
Cust: right, well I'm looking for a 34f/ff
EM: ok let me go and have a look for you, is that one in the right size? (points to bra cust is holding)
Cust: well I'm going to give it a go
EM: ok go through and try it
(later)
EM: here's a handful for you
Cust: oh good, that didn't fit, wishful thinking...
(cust hands back a 34dd, she later ended up in a 34g/gg)

Musical

Spider (with extra legs)

This spider did only have six legs. This was corrected and then another two were added... For good luck perhaps...

Rant

Morons

Cust: where are your chlorine resistant zoggs swimsuits?
JT: it's just here (takes cust over to it)
Cust: no it's not, it doesn't say it's chlorine resistant
JT: it's just on this label (shows cust)
Cust: up to 240 hours, what does that mean? That it will break when I get in to the pool?
JT: no, it mean it will resist chlorine for up to 240 hours of swimming but it won't resist it forever...

EM: how can I help?
(cust turns piece of paper over in her hands for about five seconds then hands it to EM)
EM: ok, I can go and get those for you (points to bra cust is holding) is that in the right size?
Cust: err... (turns bra around again and again, finally looks at the label) yes... I think so
EM: right, if you go through you can try that while I look for the others
Cust: oh! Thank you!

Cust: apparently you have these in stock? (hands EM a piece of paper with a fa14nu and the pink Freya written down)
EM: sure, I'll go and find these (starts to go to the stock room)
Cust: also can you look for it in black and can I have the bottoms for the other one in a xs or s?
EM: yeah, xs is about a 8 and s about a 10...
Cust: well I take an 8 or 10 trouser...
EM: as their shorts or briefs I would go for the xs
Cust: yes I've had that before

(later)
JH: so you want that in a 32gg
Cust: no, 32h
EM: I've only got the briefs in the xs but if you want to try them to make sure... Are you being helped by JH
Cust: I think so... These are a bit different...
EM: yes, they do make a lovely set though....

(later)

JH: (whispers) she's so rude...
EM: (whispers) yeah, she asked me for pants in a xs or s as that's what size trousers she gets...
JH: (whispers) my arse!
EM: (whispers) there probably elasticated ones...

How else would you do it

(phone call)
Cust: I'd like to make a return and I just want to know what your policy is
EM: as long as it has the tags on were not fussy
Cust: ok, so how do I do it? Do I have to come in?
EM: you can or you can use our free post service and send it back
Cust: I can come in that's fine. So do I just bring the bra with me?
EM: ...yes... So we know what your returning... Then we can do an exchange if you want to or just a full refund...
Cust: ok, thanks...

Fun bags

DIY SOS

Oh dear... Freya fail...





Huzzah! Scissors for the win!

The fucktards have landed

Cust: can I try this in a 32g and anything else that gives good uplift?
EM: if there fitting they will all do that so is there any colours your looking for?
Cust: umm, anything really...
EM: right... We have hundreds in there... So would you prefer bright colours like this or something more everyday?
Cust: anything really...
EM: ok... Well I'll grab a few but without being able to narrow it down I might miss something that would suit you better...
Cust: ok


(lady comes down the stairs looking a bit lost)
EM: can I help?
Cust: I'm looking for my sister
EM: what was her name? She might be in a fitting...
Cust: pauline
EM: right... She's not in a fitting... She might be trying on?
Cust: no... She came in and I'm just trying to find her...
EM: oh, ok... (cust leaves)
(later)
Cust: (waiting near fitting rooms) my sister might be trying on...
EM: ahh... did you want to go through as give her a shout?
Cust: ok (goes through) are people trying on in all of these?
EM: just the ones with the doors shut (which was the first two...)