(guy walks into the changing rooms)
EM: sorry, we can't have any men behind here
(guy stands by a changing room door near the entrance talking to a cust in there, totally ignores EM)
EM: excuse me, we can't have any men in here
Guy: (holds a finger up to EM) just give me a second!
(VG comes down the hall and stands next to him, he then moves)
Saturday, 26 May 2012
Thursday, 24 May 2012
Not sure it's going to work
Cust: can you have a look for another dress?
EM: yep, what one were you after?
Cust: I want to see if you have another one of these as it's got a few marks (EM can't see any) and its just a little bit tight... So I wanted to see if another one would be better...
EM: so still in the 10?
Cust: yes
EM: ok, I'll have a look
(EM tells EA about it)
EA: so she thinks another 10 would be looser?
EM: she clearly can't go up to a 12... Even if a 10 is too tight...
EM: yep, what one were you after?
Cust: I want to see if you have another one of these as it's got a few marks (EM can't see any) and its just a little bit tight... So I wanted to see if another one would be better...
EM: so still in the 10?
Cust: yes
EM: ok, I'll have a look
(EM tells EA about it)
EA: so she thinks another 10 would be looser?
EM: she clearly can't go up to a 12... Even if a 10 is too tight...
Repeat after me
EM: hello there
Cust: hello, I'm booked in but I want to try these on while I'm waiting
EM: sure
Cust: I think I'm a 32G or GG, I don't know until I get measured... (she has two bras, swimsuit and bikini. Cust looks at the first bra) this one is a 30GG so I'll need a 32GG
EM: ok
Cust: (looks at next bra) this one is a 32G so I'll try that... (looks at swimsuit) I just grabbed the nearest sizes... This is a 34G so I'll need that in a 32GG
EM: ok
Cust: (looks at bikini) this is a 30G so I'll need that in a 32GG
EM: ok... Do you want to start trying the bra while I find these in a 32GG?
Cust: yes, thank you...
(EM gives her the stuff, little while later cust asks for help)
Cust: can you just do the back up on this?
EM: course I can!
Cust: what do you think? I seem to be in it well...
EM: it looks pretty good (adjusts the straps slightly) there
Cust: it's got adjustable straps?! That's such a good idea on a swimsuit!
Cust: hello, I'm booked in but I want to try these on while I'm waiting
EM: sure
Cust: I think I'm a 32G or GG, I don't know until I get measured... (she has two bras, swimsuit and bikini. Cust looks at the first bra) this one is a 30GG so I'll need a 32GG
EM: ok
Cust: (looks at next bra) this one is a 32G so I'll try that... (looks at swimsuit) I just grabbed the nearest sizes... This is a 34G so I'll need that in a 32GG
EM: ok
Cust: (looks at bikini) this is a 30G so I'll need that in a 32GG
EM: ok... Do you want to start trying the bra while I find these in a 32GG?
Cust: yes, thank you...
(EM gives her the stuff, little while later cust asks for help)
Cust: can you just do the back up on this?
EM: course I can!
Cust: what do you think? I seem to be in it well...
EM: it looks pretty good (adjusts the straps slightly) there
Cust: it's got adjustable straps?! That's such a good idea on a swimsuit!
Tuesday, 22 May 2012
Monday, 21 May 2012
Not fire trained
Cust: (looking at a fire extinguisher) Maximum temperature is 60 degrees? If it's a fire it's going to be hotter than that...
Custs Mum: If it's a fire that gets hotter than that, you shouldnt be any where near it!
(Also, you wouldnt be throwing the fire extinguisher into the fire...)
Custs Mum: If it's a fire that gets hotter than that, you shouldnt be any where near it!
(Also, you wouldnt be throwing the fire extinguisher into the fire...)
Just... WTF!?
Cust: Can I have your opinion?
EM: Sure
Cust: (Shows EM her Andorra she has on) I think its a bit small
EM: Yes it is... What size are you in?
Cust: This is a 38E so Whatever size is next
EM: Sure I'll have a look
Cust: I dont want anything pointy, I have had Fantasie and I dont like the shape, this one is nice but (starts patting the top of her boobs which are not in the cup) but I dont like this, I don't do cleavage. Have you got any other styles? I've got this one (holds up the Fantasie Belle) but it's too pointy..
EM: Ok, I'll have a look...
(EM goes into the stock room and picks out a bigger cup in the Andorra and also the Fantasie Esme)
Cust: Oh no! I don't like that (points at the Esme) I might be old but I want something pretty
EM: Ok, I brought this as it's a Fantasie...
Cust: I don't want Fantasie, I want Panache because it's round...
EM: And this one is round...
Cust: No, have you got anything else?
EM: I'll go and have a look for you
(EM goes off and comes back with the Panache Melody full cup and the Tango II balconette)
Cust: (looks at Tango II) thats quite pretty (looks at Melody) that is like the fantasie ones... do they come in any other colours?
EM: Melody comes in black, white and nude and the Tango comes in black, white, nude and a coral
Cust: can I see the coral one?
EM: I'll have a look for it
Cust: Can you get me the green version of this one? (holds up the Andorra)
EM: I'll check for it for you...
(EM has a look, she can find the coral one but not the green)
EM: I have the coral one for you
Cust: No, I don't like the feel of it...
EM: Ok
Cust: (holds up the nude Melody again) Does this come in any other colours?
EM: Yes, black and white
Cust: Awww... I wanted two...
EM: We can always mail order the other one for you?
Cust: I can order it at home, I don't live near here.
EM: (wants to tell her ordering in store is freepost but cant be arsed as she's a fucktard) Oh, ok...
(Later in the stock room)
JH: There is a woman out the front who wants to see the Andorra in black in a 38E
HS: I'll take one to her... (Has a look) We dont have one! (goes out to see cust) Hi, we dont have the bra in that size, as you just wanted to see it shall i get any size for you to look at?
Cust: No, I wanted that size to buy it
HS: Oh, we can mail order it upstairs for you
Cust: No, I don't live here, I'll order it online
HS: If you do it in store, it's freepost to your house
Cust: Oh, I see... (cust turns and talks to her partner)
(EM is stood behind the desk making a wanking hand gesture by her crotch so the cust doesn't see)
HS: alright EM, stand down...
(HS then walks into the changing rooms so that EM can see her but the cust can't see her and gestures that she's wanking a four foot penis)
EM: Sure
Cust: (Shows EM her Andorra she has on) I think its a bit small
EM: Yes it is... What size are you in?
Cust: This is a 38E so Whatever size is next
EM: Sure I'll have a look
Cust: I dont want anything pointy, I have had Fantasie and I dont like the shape, this one is nice but (starts patting the top of her boobs which are not in the cup) but I dont like this, I don't do cleavage. Have you got any other styles? I've got this one (holds up the Fantasie Belle) but it's too pointy..
EM: Ok, I'll have a look...
(EM goes into the stock room and picks out a bigger cup in the Andorra and also the Fantasie Esme)
Cust: Oh no! I don't like that (points at the Esme) I might be old but I want something pretty
EM: Ok, I brought this as it's a Fantasie...
Cust: I don't want Fantasie, I want Panache because it's round...
EM: And this one is round...
Cust: No, have you got anything else?
EM: I'll go and have a look for you
(EM goes off and comes back with the Panache Melody full cup and the Tango II balconette)
Cust: (looks at Tango II) thats quite pretty (looks at Melody) that is like the fantasie ones... do they come in any other colours?
EM: Melody comes in black, white and nude and the Tango comes in black, white, nude and a coral
Cust: can I see the coral one?
EM: I'll have a look for it
Cust: Can you get me the green version of this one? (holds up the Andorra)
EM: I'll check for it for you...
(EM has a look, she can find the coral one but not the green)
EM: I have the coral one for you
Cust: No, I don't like the feel of it...
EM: Ok
Cust: (holds up the nude Melody again) Does this come in any other colours?
EM: Yes, black and white
Cust: Awww... I wanted two...
EM: We can always mail order the other one for you?
Cust: I can order it at home, I don't live near here.
EM: (wants to tell her ordering in store is freepost but cant be arsed as she's a fucktard) Oh, ok...
(Later in the stock room)
JH: There is a woman out the front who wants to see the Andorra in black in a 38E
HS: I'll take one to her... (Has a look) We dont have one! (goes out to see cust) Hi, we dont have the bra in that size, as you just wanted to see it shall i get any size for you to look at?
Cust: No, I wanted that size to buy it
HS: Oh, we can mail order it upstairs for you
Cust: No, I don't live here, I'll order it online
HS: If you do it in store, it's freepost to your house
Cust: Oh, I see... (cust turns and talks to her partner)
(EM is stood behind the desk making a wanking hand gesture by her crotch so the cust doesn't see)
HS: alright EM, stand down...
(HS then walks into the changing rooms so that EM can see her but the cust can't see her and gestures that she's wanking a four foot penis)
Skin condition
HS: I need some moisturizer, I'm starting to feel like a leopard... WHAT! HP has cursed me!
EM: What?
HS: I'meant to say lizard, she said leopard by mistake one day...
(EM gets HS some moisturizer and HS puts some on her face but leaves it without rubbing it in)
HS: Hello, I'm spunk face and will be your fitter...
EM: What?
HS: I'meant to say lizard, she said leopard by mistake one day...
(EM gets HS some moisturizer and HS puts some on her face but leaves it without rubbing it in)
HS: Hello, I'm spunk face and will be your fitter...
Sunday, 20 May 2012
That's a big difference
(cust is trying on a strapless bra)
EM: It's a bit big on the back... The cup looks ok so I get a 32f for you
Cust: ok
(EM gets it and then comes back, cust puts it on)
Cust: what size is this... Did you say a 32j?
EM: ... This one goes up to a h...
Cust: is this one a j
EM: it's a 32f
Cust: oh...
EM: It's a bit big on the back... The cup looks ok so I get a 32f for you
Cust: ok
(EM gets it and then comes back, cust puts it on)
Cust: what size is this... Did you say a 32j?
EM: ... This one goes up to a h...
Cust: is this one a j
EM: it's a 32f
Cust: oh...
First phone call sets the tone for the day...
(On the phone)
EM: Hello, how can I help?
Cust: Yes, I'm looking for a top, a white shirt, a white shirt I can wear with a skirt... what have you got?
EM: Well, we only have one white shirt thats formal at the moment...
Cust: What does it look like?
EM: It's a white short sleeved style with a manderin collar and a ruffle down the front...
Cust: A ruffle?
EM: Yes
Cust: Is it a big ruffle?
EM: well it's about an inch and a half, but its a pleated ruffle...
Cust: So it's like a mans dress shirt?
EM: No, its a pleated ruffle not a wavy one...
Cust: I dont know what that is, sounds strange... does it lie flat?
EM: Yes it does
Cust: I dont know if that is too fussy, do you like it?
EM: I think it's fine, but it will depend on your personal taste as some people love it but some think its too much...
Cust: Is it a V-neck?
EM: It is, but due to the collar shave it's not a wide V but it does stop just above the boobs
Cust: Does it button up or do you pull it over your head?
EM: Buttons...
Cust: Yes, I think it's going to be too much... do you have anything else thats not white?
EM: We have a blue long sleeved shirt...
Cust: Is it long sleeved?
EM: Yes
Cust: Why don't you do short sleeved ones any more, you used to do lots of them, in different colours. The sleeves are long and they have lots of buttons... they always have this fussy double cuff....
(EM is silent)
Cust: What about casual ones?
EM: We have one that is designed to be worn over skirts, trousers and jeans. It's linin and its more of a tunic style
Cust: Is it buttons or pull on over your head?
EM: Pull on over your head
Cust: No, the white one, do you have any cardigans you can wear with it?
EM: Yes we have two cardigans in at the moment...
Cust: What do they look like?
EM: we have a coraslone which is fairly casual and we have a navy one which has cut-work detailing
Cust: Cut-work, what does that mean?
EM: It's like broderie fabric with...
Cust: It's embroidered?
EM: No, its like broderie where its got cut-out parts
Cust: I dont understand
EM: Broderie Anglaise just in a knit?
Cust: Oh yes! And is that all over?
EM: No, it goes down half way and on the sleeves and then it's a ribbed knit at the bottom
Cust: Why do they do that, it sounds very odd... so it emphasises your boobs?
(EM is silent)
Cust: Is it a V-neck?
EM: Yes
Cust: What about the coral one?
EM: It's a plain coral
Cust: Is it dusky coral or a pinky coral?
EM: It's quite pink
Cust: I see, is it a V-neck?
EM: Yes
Cust: Do you like both of them?
EM: Yes I do, I love knitwear but it depends on your tastes...
Cust: The navy one could you wear that with a skirt? Does it flare out under the broderie part?
EM: You can wear it with anything, it depends on your personal style, but its fitted on the bottom half
Cust: It sounds like something you would have in a lighter fabric and wear in the bedroom. Why would you want to draw attention to your boobs?
EM: Thats really the whole point of our range, to show off your figure...
Cust: I dont mind that with shirts but not cardigans... I think I'll leave it... bye...
EM: Ok...Bye...
EM: Hello, how can I help?
Cust: Yes, I'm looking for a top, a white shirt, a white shirt I can wear with a skirt... what have you got?
EM: Well, we only have one white shirt thats formal at the moment...
Cust: What does it look like?
EM: It's a white short sleeved style with a manderin collar and a ruffle down the front...
Cust: A ruffle?
EM: Yes
Cust: Is it a big ruffle?
EM: well it's about an inch and a half, but its a pleated ruffle...
Cust: So it's like a mans dress shirt?
EM: No, its a pleated ruffle not a wavy one...
Cust: I dont know what that is, sounds strange... does it lie flat?
EM: Yes it does
Cust: I dont know if that is too fussy, do you like it?
EM: I think it's fine, but it will depend on your personal taste as some people love it but some think its too much...
Cust: Is it a V-neck?
EM: It is, but due to the collar shave it's not a wide V but it does stop just above the boobs
Cust: Does it button up or do you pull it over your head?
EM: Buttons...
Cust: Yes, I think it's going to be too much... do you have anything else thats not white?
EM: We have a blue long sleeved shirt...
Cust: Is it long sleeved?
EM: Yes
Cust: Why don't you do short sleeved ones any more, you used to do lots of them, in different colours. The sleeves are long and they have lots of buttons... they always have this fussy double cuff....
(EM is silent)
Cust: What about casual ones?
EM: We have one that is designed to be worn over skirts, trousers and jeans. It's linin and its more of a tunic style
Cust: Is it buttons or pull on over your head?
EM: Pull on over your head
Cust: No, the white one, do you have any cardigans you can wear with it?
EM: Yes we have two cardigans in at the moment...
Cust: What do they look like?
EM: we have a coraslone which is fairly casual and we have a navy one which has cut-work detailing
Cust: Cut-work, what does that mean?
EM: It's like broderie fabric with...
Cust: It's embroidered?
EM: No, its like broderie where its got cut-out parts
Cust: I dont understand
EM: Broderie Anglaise just in a knit?
Cust: Oh yes! And is that all over?
EM: No, it goes down half way and on the sleeves and then it's a ribbed knit at the bottom
Cust: Why do they do that, it sounds very odd... so it emphasises your boobs?
(EM is silent)
Cust: Is it a V-neck?
EM: Yes
Cust: What about the coral one?
EM: It's a plain coral
Cust: Is it dusky coral or a pinky coral?
EM: It's quite pink
Cust: I see, is it a V-neck?
EM: Yes
Cust: Do you like both of them?
EM: Yes I do, I love knitwear but it depends on your tastes...
Cust: The navy one could you wear that with a skirt? Does it flare out under the broderie part?
EM: You can wear it with anything, it depends on your personal style, but its fitted on the bottom half
Cust: It sounds like something you would have in a lighter fabric and wear in the bedroom. Why would you want to draw attention to your boobs?
EM: Thats really the whole point of our range, to show off your figure...
Cust: I dont mind that with shirts but not cardigans... I think I'll leave it... bye...
EM: Ok...Bye...
Saturday, 19 May 2012
Rat society
HS: the customers are turning on them selves!
EM: what?!
HS: this woman just said to someone 'can you move... Please' (pause) actually I don't think she even said please...
EM: holy fuck...
HS: I'm going, so I'll leave you with those bitches
EM: great...
(later)
EM: one of them told another one to move
KJ: when they are angry they either take it out on the shop worker or each other
EM: in a crazy way, we are paid to take it. It's just fucking funny when they turn on each other... It's like a rat society. If there is to many the society collapses...
(later)
HP: it makes us look like saints 'excuse me!' 'pardon me!'
EM: what?!
HS: this woman just said to someone 'can you move... Please' (pause) actually I don't think she even said please...
EM: holy fuck...
HS: I'm going, so I'll leave you with those bitches
EM: great...
(later)
EM: one of them told another one to move
KJ: when they are angry they either take it out on the shop worker or each other
EM: in a crazy way, we are paid to take it. It's just fucking funny when they turn on each other... It's like a rat society. If there is to many the society collapses...
(later)
HP: it makes us look like saints 'excuse me!' 'pardon me!'
CounterStrike
EA: just to warn you there are loads of ladies out there...
HP: urgh, come on EM, let's battle those bitches...
HP: urgh, come on EM, let's battle those bitches...
Friday, 18 May 2012
Challenge
MO: Have you got it in for me today?
EM: No, why?
MO: She wants a strapless as she is getting married next month
EM: Really?
MO: That's what I thought! She wants a strapless...
EM: Oh...
MO: And she's wearing a 48H already
EM: (laughs hysterically) A 48H!?
MO: You may mock! When I got in that room I though 'EM I'm gonna brain you!'
EM: Well, if you weren't so efficient!
MO: we don't do a strapless up to a 40 do we?
EM: (shakes head) Nope...
MO: Oh, it just gets better... she's never going to get them in this.... Her dress maker has told her to get a strapless bra
EM: Her dress maker needs to incorporate iron bars in her dress to hold them up
EM: No, why?
MO: She wants a strapless as she is getting married next month
EM: Really?
MO: That's what I thought! She wants a strapless...
EM: Oh...
MO: And she's wearing a 48H already
EM: (laughs hysterically) A 48H!?
MO: You may mock! When I got in that room I though 'EM I'm gonna brain you!'
EM: Well, if you weren't so efficient!
MO: we don't do a strapless up to a 40 do we?
EM: (shakes head) Nope...
MO: Oh, it just gets better... she's never going to get them in this.... Her dress maker has told her to get a strapless bra
EM: Her dress maker needs to incorporate iron bars in her dress to hold them up
Spoilt brat
Custs Mum: That one is nice... (points to the Primrose bra)
Cust: I wouldn't wear that! It's something a 50 year old would wear!
Custs Mum: What about the other one you saw in the book?
Cust: No, it's grannified! This is stressing me out...
Custs Mum: See this is why I had mine cut off, now I can get my bras anywhere (the one she was wearing was clearly too small for her and really badly fitting)
(Later)
Cust: (has the Deco on in a 28G) I need this in a GG...
JH: I'm sorry, it only goes up to a G in a 28 back...
Gust: I NEED A GG!
JH: They don't do that size
Custs Mum: Do you have anything in a 28GG?
JH: Yes, we have lots...
Cust: I wouldn't wear that! It's something a 50 year old would wear!
Custs Mum: What about the other one you saw in the book?
Cust: No, it's grannified! This is stressing me out...
Custs Mum: See this is why I had mine cut off, now I can get my bras anywhere (the one she was wearing was clearly too small for her and really badly fitting)
(Later)
Cust: (has the Deco on in a 28G) I need this in a GG...
JH: I'm sorry, it only goes up to a G in a 28 back...
Gust: I NEED A GG!
JH: They don't do that size
Custs Mum: Do you have anything in a 28GG?
JH: Yes, we have lots...
Support issues
Cust: I've got this bra from you and I want another one... (pulls out an old Fantasie soft cup)
EM: That one has actually been discontinued
Cust: Really? Oh, that is upsetting to hear that, do you have a replacement?
EM: (shows her the catalogue) We only have this one in white (Royce Charlotte) but this one is lacy like yours but it's only in black or pink (Panache Sophie) there is this one in ivory though (Royce Sadie)
Cust: (points to the white one) And is this cotton?
EM: No
Cust: (reads the description) Cotton elastine... I don't suppose mine was cotton anyway... Soft cup? Do you have anything more supportive?
EM: Soft cup just means no wires...
Cust: Is that what mine is?
EM: Yes
Cust: Ok I'll try this ivory one
(Cust later comes back upstairs)
HS: How did you get on?
Cust: Ok, do you have anything with more support?
EM: Is it a soft cup you want?
Cust: Yes... Is that what I've got?
EM: Yes
Cust: Ok, I'll take it...
EM: That one has actually been discontinued
Cust: Really? Oh, that is upsetting to hear that, do you have a replacement?
EM: (shows her the catalogue) We only have this one in white (Royce Charlotte) but this one is lacy like yours but it's only in black or pink (Panache Sophie) there is this one in ivory though (Royce Sadie)
Cust: (points to the white one) And is this cotton?
EM: No
Cust: (reads the description) Cotton elastine... I don't suppose mine was cotton anyway... Soft cup? Do you have anything more supportive?
EM: Soft cup just means no wires...
Cust: Is that what mine is?
EM: Yes
Cust: Ok I'll try this ivory one
(Cust later comes back upstairs)
HS: How did you get on?
Cust: Ok, do you have anything with more support?
EM: Is it a soft cup you want?
Cust: Yes... Is that what I've got?
EM: Yes
Cust: Ok, I'll take it...
Addictive
(EM is eating caramel Snack-a-Jacks)
EA: can I have one?
EM: yeah
EA: (has a bite) they are really good! can I have another one?
EM: sure! I love them, they satisfy my sweet tooth without being full of crap
EA: they are really morish... what are they called?
EM: Snack-a-Jacks...
EA: they should be called Snack-a-Crack...
EA: can I have one?
EM: yeah
EA: (has a bite) they are really good! can I have another one?
EM: sure! I love them, they satisfy my sweet tooth without being full of crap
EA: they are really morish... what are they called?
EM: Snack-a-Jacks...
EA: they should be called Snack-a-Crack...
Cursed
HS decided that she was cursed one day after:
Trapping her finger in a door
EM moving the kick stool in her way just as she was walking around the corner
She couldn't read BT handwriting and took out the wrong bikini
BT then phones down and tells her not to worry
Hits her hip on a cupboard door
Trapping her finger in a door
EM moving the kick stool in her way just as she was walking around the corner
She couldn't read BT handwriting and took out the wrong bikini
BT then phones down and tells her not to worry
Hits her hip on a cupboard door
Lost in translation
(A foreign cust is waving frantically at JH)
JH: EM, can you help this lady?
EM: Hi, how can I help?
Cust: (pointing to a bra) 38...C
EM: Oh, we only stock D cups and above...
Cust: C
EM: All of our bras start at a D
Cust: C
EM: No C's here
Cust: (makes a C shape on the catalogue EM is holding) C
EM: (draws a D) D
Cust: D?
EM: Yes
Cust: (pulls a face) Oh... (starts looking through the bras anyway)
(Cust leaves and then half an hour later comes back in)
Cust: C?
KM: We just start from a D
Cust: (makes C shape in the air) 38 C
KM: No, no C's
Cust: No 38?
KM: No, we do a 38 but no C's
Cust: C
KM: D
Cust: D?
KM: Yes
JH: EM, can you help this lady?
EM: Hi, how can I help?
Cust: (pointing to a bra) 38...C
EM: Oh, we only stock D cups and above...
Cust: C
EM: All of our bras start at a D
Cust: C
EM: No C's here
Cust: (makes a C shape on the catalogue EM is holding) C
EM: (draws a D) D
Cust: D?
EM: Yes
Cust: (pulls a face) Oh... (starts looking through the bras anyway)
(Cust leaves and then half an hour later comes back in)
Cust: C?
KM: We just start from a D
Cust: (makes C shape in the air) 38 C
KM: No, no C's
Cust: No 38?
KM: No, we do a 38 but no C's
Cust: C
KM: D
Cust: D?
KM: Yes
What do you say to that?
VG: (pointing to a navy dress) This is so you, it's really old lady goes to a tea party style...
MO: oi! you fuckhead!
MO: oi! you fuckhead!
It's all lies...
(EM phones HS)
EM: You know that Primrose bra in a 30gg? Did you have a look upstairs for it?
HS: No...
EM: Baaaggghhhh!
HS: She said she looked...
EM: (whispering) Customers lie
HS: ok, 30g, 32f, 30j, hello? what are you doing up here? 30h, ooohh... 30gg...
EM: I'll come up and get it...
EM: You know that Primrose bra in a 30gg? Did you have a look upstairs for it?
HS: No...
EM: Baaaggghhhh!
HS: She said she looked...
EM: (whispering) Customers lie
HS: ok, 30g, 32f, 30j, hello? what are you doing up here? 30h, ooohh... 30gg...
EM: I'll come up and get it...
NASA
(cust goes downstairs, EM phones JT to tell her and JJ takes cust through for a fitting)
JH: (on the phone) she's a bit of a space cadet that one!
EM: yeah?
JH: she told JJ she was giving her a trial...
JH: (on the phone) she's a bit of a space cadet that one!
EM: yeah?
JH: she told JJ she was giving her a trial...
Should work at Apple
HS: I've broken the fitting sheets!
EM: what!?
HS: it's frozen...
EM; ye gods...
(EM and EA check the computer)
EA: has anyone logged off yet?
EM: I don't think so... (turns to BT) I've double clicked it, just see what happens, you might need to switch it off and on again...
(later)
EM: BT fixed it!
EA: oooh! Did she switch it off and on again?
EM: yeah
EA: there you go, who thought of that? I am a genius!
EM: what!?
HS: it's frozen...
EM; ye gods...
(EM and EA check the computer)
EA: has anyone logged off yet?
EM: I don't think so... (turns to BT) I've double clicked it, just see what happens, you might need to switch it off and on again...
(later)
EM: BT fixed it!
EA: oooh! Did she switch it off and on again?
EM: yeah
EA: there you go, who thought of that? I am a genius!
Mountain
(KM is putting the mountain of strapless bras away, EM walks into the stockroom carrying more)
EM: I've got some more for you
KM: ohhhhhh!
EM: (surveying the sea of strapless bras all over the floor) shall... Shall I just chuck them on the floor?
KM: yes!
EM: I've got some more for you
KM: ohhhhhh!
EM: (surveying the sea of strapless bras all over the floor) shall... Shall I just chuck them on the floor?
KM: yes!
No hugs
(EA, HP and HS are in the stockroom)
EA: I want a HP and HS sandwich!
(HS leaves the stockroom)
EA: owww, that's a no then...
(EM walks in the stockroom)
EA: I don't want her...
EA: I want a HP and HS sandwich!
(HS leaves the stockroom)
EA: owww, that's a no then...
(EM walks in the stockroom)
EA: I don't want her...
Gaffer tape?
Cust: (trying on a strapless bra) can you help me? I've got this on and it's not doing nothing. What I want is this (heaves boobs together)
EM: ok, I'll go and grab you another one (goes to stock room and comes back with the Freya Deco)
Cust: the bra I wear is a 38d from Triumph, I know that they don't all come up the same so that's why this one is a 34dd... What about these bits? (pokes at fat hanging over the band of the bra)
EM: (slightly horrified) everyone gets that if it's firm enough to stay up...
Cust: what about the front?
EM: it's looking a bit small as you are coming over it a bit...
Cust: I don't mind that as I want cleavage...
(cust didn't have cleavage, she had four boobs)
EM: ok, I'll go and grab you another one (goes to stock room and comes back with the Freya Deco)
Cust: the bra I wear is a 38d from Triumph, I know that they don't all come up the same so that's why this one is a 34dd... What about these bits? (pokes at fat hanging over the band of the bra)
EM: (slightly horrified) everyone gets that if it's firm enough to stay up...
Cust: what about the front?
EM: it's looking a bit small as you are coming over it a bit...
Cust: I don't mind that as I want cleavage...
(cust didn't have cleavage, she had four boobs)
Velociraptors
JH: there was a right bitch outside, she could see we weren't open and she kept saying (puts on a really snooty voice) 'bloody hell, it's just not good enough'
(later)
JH: there are more women throwing themselves at the door...
(later)
JH: there are more women throwing themselves at the door...
Fucked up 'Guess Who'
KM: (on the phone) there is a lady downstairs who wants a specific fitter, I don't know if you have seen her?
EM: (on phone) no, I'll go and find her...
(later)
EM: hello, how can I help?
Cust: who is doing your fittings today?
EM: there is MO, MR and JH...
Cust: I was fitted here before and I have great confidence in the fitter. I've been to other shops and have had a terrible experience so I thought I would come back here... I can't remember the ladies name... Isn't that awful...
EM: no, that's fine...
Cust: I'd know her if I looked at her...
EM: can you remember what she looked like?
Cust: she is in her mid forties, I don't know if she actually is thought. She doesn't look as young as you girls... Is she available for any sessions?
EM: all our fitters today could be described as that... Do you know what colour hair she had?
Cust: it was short... Black?
EM: that would be MR then...
Cust: no... It wasn't black... Light hair...
EM: blonde then?
Cust: yes... Is she free?
EM: both JH and JJ are blonde. JJ is not here today though. JJ is short and JH is tall... So can you remember how tall she was?
Cust: short...
EM: right, that's JJ...
Cust: oh, has she been here long?
EM: since we opened...
Cust: is she avaliable?
EM: no, she's off today...
EM: (on phone) no, I'll go and find her...
(later)
EM: hello, how can I help?
Cust: who is doing your fittings today?
EM: there is MO, MR and JH...
Cust: I was fitted here before and I have great confidence in the fitter. I've been to other shops and have had a terrible experience so I thought I would come back here... I can't remember the ladies name... Isn't that awful...
EM: no, that's fine...
Cust: I'd know her if I looked at her...
EM: can you remember what she looked like?
Cust: she is in her mid forties, I don't know if she actually is thought. She doesn't look as young as you girls... Is she available for any sessions?
EM: all our fitters today could be described as that... Do you know what colour hair she had?
Cust: it was short... Black?
EM: that would be MR then...
Cust: no... It wasn't black... Light hair...
EM: blonde then?
Cust: yes... Is she free?
EM: both JH and JJ are blonde. JJ is not here today though. JJ is short and JH is tall... So can you remember how tall she was?
Cust: short...
EM: right, that's JJ...
Cust: oh, has she been here long?
EM: since we opened...
Cust: is she avaliable?
EM: no, she's off today...
Wednesday, 16 May 2012
Nipples
Cust: I've got this bra but when I put it on you can see my nipples
HS: ok, well we could try something moulded?
Cust: I dont need any padding...
HS: It's not padded, it's a thin layer of foam to try and prevent nipple show through...
(HS gets the bra from the stock room and sees EM in there whilke she's getting it)
HS: you know that woman who doesnt like her nipples showing... she has peirced nipples. Your always going to see them... but she doesnt want padding.
EM: does she mean that she wants something you can't see through?
HS: no... She wants moulded...
EM: errr... Don't have pierced nipples then
HS: ya think!
HS: ok, well we could try something moulded?
Cust: I dont need any padding...
HS: It's not padded, it's a thin layer of foam to try and prevent nipple show through...
(HS gets the bra from the stock room and sees EM in there whilke she's getting it)
HS: you know that woman who doesnt like her nipples showing... she has peirced nipples. Your always going to see them... but she doesnt want padding.
EM: does she mean that she wants something you can't see through?
HS: no... She wants moulded...
EM: errr... Don't have pierced nipples then
HS: ya think!
Valid point
EM: Theres a girl who looks about 18 who has just asked if her Mum can come through with her, her mum looks about 70...
JJ: It's like the woman from Newmarket who had a baby at 60
EM: That's nice, when the kids 20 she will probably be dead... breed 'em young!
VG: He might be the person who finds a cure for a disease! It's not the parents it's the person he is... (EM pulls a 'really? you believe that shit?' face) and... Fuck you!
HS: Ooh, great argument there...
JJ: It's like the woman from Newmarket who had a baby at 60
EM: That's nice, when the kids 20 she will probably be dead... breed 'em young!
VG: He might be the person who finds a cure for a disease! It's not the parents it's the person he is... (EM pulls a 'really? you believe that shit?' face) and... Fuck you!
HS: Ooh, great argument there...
Tattoo
Cust: (holding up some bikini bottoms) Have you got any other styles of theses? These ones are quite thin...
EM: oh, I'm not sure, I can go and have a look for you...
Cust: Yeah, I've got a tattoo on my bottom and you can just about see it, I'm worried that if they get wet they will go see through...
EM: sure, I'll go and have a look...
(EM finds EA and tells her the sorry tale)
EM: I was just thinking the entire time 'Why the fuck have a tattoo on your arse then?'
EM: oh, I'm not sure, I can go and have a look for you...
Cust: Yeah, I've got a tattoo on my bottom and you can just about see it, I'm worried that if they get wet they will go see through...
EM: sure, I'll go and have a look...
(EM finds EA and tells her the sorry tale)
EM: I was just thinking the entire time 'Why the fuck have a tattoo on your arse then?'
Cottaging with angry pirates...
JJ: (randomly) I know what dogging is!
EA: Right... do you know what cottaging is?
JJ: ...no...
EM: I can't remember either...
EA:...no, neither can I... Do you know what an angry pirate is?
EM: Covers one eye) arrrghhh!
JJ: What?! oh is it... (laughs)
EA: It's when you spunk in someones eye and then kick them in the leg.. (covers one eye and hops on one leg) arrrrggghhhh!
JJ: Oh my god! (laughs uncontrollably)
EM: Why dont we 'Bing' cottaging?
EA: Your going to google cottaging on the work computer?!
EM: Yeah... (Finds web page) there we go... it's when guys have anonomus sex in a toilet... so George Michael went cottaging...
EA: It's not as bad as I thought...
JJ: I could do that in Brighton... there will be loads going on there!
EA: I think your missing the point...
JJ: I could go and watch...
EA: If you snuck into the mens loos you could...
JJ: With my binoculars and my cup of tea!
EA: Just dont look through any holes!
EM: otherwise you would be an angry pirate!
EA: Right... do you know what cottaging is?
JJ: ...no...
EM: I can't remember either...
EA:...no, neither can I... Do you know what an angry pirate is?
EM: Covers one eye) arrrghhh!
JJ: What?! oh is it... (laughs)
EA: It's when you spunk in someones eye and then kick them in the leg.. (covers one eye and hops on one leg) arrrrggghhhh!
JJ: Oh my god! (laughs uncontrollably)
EM: Why dont we 'Bing' cottaging?
EA: Your going to google cottaging on the work computer?!
EM: Yeah... (Finds web page) there we go... it's when guys have anonomus sex in a toilet... so George Michael went cottaging...
EA: It's not as bad as I thought...
JJ: I could do that in Brighton... there will be loads going on there!
EA: I think your missing the point...
JJ: I could go and watch...
EA: If you snuck into the mens loos you could...
JJ: With my binoculars and my cup of tea!
EA: Just dont look through any holes!
EM: otherwise you would be an angry pirate!
Heavy
(three stools are being delivered, one guy is carrying two of them. The other guy is carrying one)
EA: are they heavy?
Man: no, do you think he would be carrying two if they were!
EA: I dunno, he might be built like a brick shit-house...
EA: are they heavy?
Man: no, do you think he would be carrying two if they were!
EA: I dunno, he might be built like a brick shit-house...
Monday, 14 May 2012
War Lord
HS: BHS has put this woman in a 40DD and it looks awful...
EM: Really?
HS: Yeah, I think that she is probably about a 36F
EM: Jesus...
(Later)
HS: A 36GG
EM: What?!
HS: Yep, I hate BHS for doing that to her, she thought that there was something wrong with her and thats why the bra and then herself looked awful... I want to do something to BHS...
EM: You could get them to bite the kerb (Then makes a stamping movement)
HS: Ahhhhhh! (puts her hands up to her mouth!) have you not seen American History X!
EM: Yeah (smiles)
HS: My friend and I would always say we would kerb stomp people or organisations that were shitty, then we saw the film and realised its the worst thing you can do!
KJ: (Just hears the end of the conversation) What? Whats going on?
HS: I told EM that I hated BHS and she suggested kerb stomping them!
KJ: Whats kerb stomping?
EM: when you get someone to bite the kerb...
HS: And then you stamp on their head
KJ: (her hand flies to her mouth) Oh my God!
VG: What now...
(HS explains it again)
HS: It would kill them
EM: Teeth first...
VG: (to EM) Your insane!
EM: Have you only just realised!?
VG: No, I knew...
HS: EM is so passive aggressive...
EM: You could do it with fluffy slippers on...
VG: Hello, have you seen the size of me, they would still die...
HS: EM is like some gangster mob...
KJ: a War Lord...
EM: Really?
HS: Yeah, I think that she is probably about a 36F
EM: Jesus...
(Later)
HS: A 36GG
EM: What?!
HS: Yep, I hate BHS for doing that to her, she thought that there was something wrong with her and thats why the bra and then herself looked awful... I want to do something to BHS...
EM: You could get them to bite the kerb (Then makes a stamping movement)
HS: Ahhhhhh! (puts her hands up to her mouth!) have you not seen American History X!
EM: Yeah (smiles)
HS: My friend and I would always say we would kerb stomp people or organisations that were shitty, then we saw the film and realised its the worst thing you can do!
KJ: (Just hears the end of the conversation) What? Whats going on?
HS: I told EM that I hated BHS and she suggested kerb stomping them!
KJ: Whats kerb stomping?
EM: when you get someone to bite the kerb...
HS: And then you stamp on their head
KJ: (her hand flies to her mouth) Oh my God!
VG: What now...
(HS explains it again)
HS: It would kill them
EM: Teeth first...
VG: (to EM) Your insane!
EM: Have you only just realised!?
VG: No, I knew...
HS: EM is so passive aggressive...
EM: You could do it with fluffy slippers on...
VG: Hello, have you seen the size of me, they would still die...
HS: EM is like some gangster mob...
KJ: a War Lord...
Welded
EM: There are loads of CD's here, do you want any of them before I throw them out?
KJ: oooh, what is there?
HS: Franz Ferdinand... Retro...
KJ: The Strokes... Oh, theres no CD... ABBA gold! I'll have ABBA gold!
(KJ opens the case, theres is a random CD in there and another one lying on top of the sleeve insert)
KJ: This is actually stuck to the case... look... It's rock solid (shows HS)
HS: Is it? Lets have a go...
(KJ returns to rummaging through the CD's)
KJ: I'm not sure I like all the dust, I think I'm going to leave it... (Turns to look at HS who is pulling a strained face and wrestling the CD off the sleeve) Oh my God! I'm going, this is an accident waiting to happen, I can't look...
HS: (Finally wrenches it off the sleeve) Here we go! ABBA Gold!
KJ: (looking at the paper encrusted CD) Is it even ABBA Gold?
HS: I don't know, lets have a look (starts pulling the paper off)
EM: I think thats like that because it got wet in the flood...
KJ: oooh, what is there?
HS: Franz Ferdinand... Retro...
KJ: The Strokes... Oh, theres no CD... ABBA gold! I'll have ABBA gold!
(KJ opens the case, theres is a random CD in there and another one lying on top of the sleeve insert)
KJ: This is actually stuck to the case... look... It's rock solid (shows HS)
HS: Is it? Lets have a go...
(KJ returns to rummaging through the CD's)
KJ: I'm not sure I like all the dust, I think I'm going to leave it... (Turns to look at HS who is pulling a strained face and wrestling the CD off the sleeve) Oh my God! I'm going, this is an accident waiting to happen, I can't look...
HS: (Finally wrenches it off the sleeve) Here we go! ABBA Gold!
KJ: (looking at the paper encrusted CD) Is it even ABBA Gold?
HS: I don't know, lets have a look (starts pulling the paper off)
EM: I think thats like that because it got wet in the flood...
I said it because I hate you
Cust: what size is this one now?
JJ: its a 34 GG
Cust: oh, you horrible woman!
JJ: its a 34 GG
Cust: oh, you horrible woman!
Worms
KJ: HS asked me earlier if I was alright as I have a giant lump on my face... I was all 'yes I'm fine thank you' I'm paranoid about it enough...
EM: thanks for brining it up...
KJ: yeah...
EM: (Loud enough so that HS can hear) It's ok, HS has worms...
HS: OI! I heard that!
EM: thanks for brining it up...
KJ: yeah...
EM: (Loud enough so that HS can hear) It's ok, HS has worms...
HS: OI! I heard that!
Hungry?
HS: I'm sooo hungry! I had five cookies yesterday, I'm never usually hungry but now all I want to do is eat... maybe I'm pregnant?
EM: Or you have worms?
HS: What?!
EM: That's what my Mum always used to say to me if I had a lot to eat, 'Have you got worms?!'
(Later)
HS: OI! Have you been telling everyone I have worms?
EM: I told people that you either were pregnant or had worms...
EM: Or you have worms?
HS: What?!
EM: That's what my Mum always used to say to me if I had a lot to eat, 'Have you got worms?!'
(Later)
HS: OI! Have you been telling everyone I have worms?
EM: I told people that you either were pregnant or had worms...
Sunday, 13 May 2012
Training
EA: (pauses after reading out an extract from the manual handling guide) are you fetching stuff for someone? If you are I can just follow you around...
KJ: yes...
EM: you've got a manual handling stalker!
KJ: yes...
EM: you've got a manual handling stalker!
Saturday, 12 May 2012
Trying not to swear fail
EM: (while writing on a flip chart) ohhh... I've put the wrong word in now...
VG: what the Jews?!
EM: (pause) what the Jews?
VG: (laughing hysterically) Jews! I was trying to say 'what the juice' as I'm trying not to say jizz...
EM: trying not to be offensive, be racist instead...
VG: what the Jews?!
EM: (pause) what the Jews?
VG: (laughing hysterically) Jews! I was trying to say 'what the juice' as I'm trying not to say jizz...
EM: trying not to be offensive, be racist instead...
Friday, 4 May 2012
Let's go grabbing!
EM: I've got my grabbing outfit
KJ: oh my god, have you really?
MO: what have you got? (looks in bag) Vest tops? What's that sparkly thing?
EM: it's a jumper (EM pulls it out of the bag, it's got cream and gold stripes, the gold stripes are sheer)
KJ: oh thats really nice
MO: are you going to put that under it?
EM: yeah, so I look as naked as possible under there...
(KJ laughs)
MO: what are you wearing on the bottom half
EM: (completely deadpan) nothing...
(KJ laughs louder as she goes out of the door)
MO: your not?! What are you wearing?!
EM: pale blue skinny jeans...
KJ: oh my god, have you really?
MO: what have you got? (looks in bag) Vest tops? What's that sparkly thing?
EM: it's a jumper (EM pulls it out of the bag, it's got cream and gold stripes, the gold stripes are sheer)
KJ: oh thats really nice
MO: are you going to put that under it?
EM: yeah, so I look as naked as possible under there...
(KJ laughs)
MO: what are you wearing on the bottom half
EM: (completely deadpan) nothing...
(KJ laughs louder as she goes out of the door)
MO: your not?! What are you wearing?!
EM: pale blue skinny jeans...
Bikini
(while looking at a Eda pale pink leopard print bikini top that's £105)
KJ: look at that! It's totally bitchin'! It's something that Kim Kardashian would wear! It's got gold stuff on it!
KJ: look at that! It's totally bitchin'! It's something that Kim Kardashian would wear! It's got gold stuff on it!
There's a queue
Cust2: (waves a bit of paper in EM's general direction) are you in the queue?
Cust1: yes
EM: and how can I help you?
Cust2: are you the person to give this to?
EM: yes...
Cust1: I'm after a strapless bra
(convo about size, style and colour)
EM: ok, and your after those...
Cust2: yes (holds out the paper in two fingers as though it's a dirty sock)
EM: and I'll just get those for you...
(EM goes to the stock room and comes back out with everything)
EM: (to cust1) I've popped yours into number 6 (to cust2, holding out her bras between two fingers, like they were dirty socks) and here are your bras, if you want to go in here (shows her into a tiny changing room)
Cust1: yes
EM: and how can I help you?
Cust2: are you the person to give this to?
EM: yes...
Cust1: I'm after a strapless bra
(convo about size, style and colour)
EM: ok, and your after those...
Cust2: yes (holds out the paper in two fingers as though it's a dirty sock)
EM: and I'll just get those for you...
(EM goes to the stock room and comes back out with everything)
EM: (to cust1) I've popped yours into number 6 (to cust2, holding out her bras between two fingers, like they were dirty socks) and here are your bras, if you want to go in here (shows her into a tiny changing room)
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