Not for me...

Cust: (just comes in the door) do you have any nightwear?
EA: sure! It's just on this wall here. All of our nightwear have soft cup bras in them so you're well supported and we have various colours of our pj tops which have coordinating bottoms. If you were looking for nightdresses, then we have a satin one which also comes in a cami and shorts set and if your looking for something a bit sexier there is this pink one which is slightly sheer...
Cust: hmmm... I dont think so... (She walks out)

Just can't wait

Cust: I need help, I'm desperate, I need a bra that fits me. Nothing that lifts, or pulls,or shapes, nothing fancy, or glamorous, I just need a bra that fits. Can you help me?
EM: sure
Cust: I'm desperate, I'm nearly 80 so is that alright?
EM: sure, I'll just find out when the next fitting is available
Cust: they are all trained fitters?
EM: yes, we are all trained...
(EM phones the stock room, JJ goes to have a look at the wait times and then comes upstairs)
JJ: it's going to be about half an hour...
EM: cool, (to Cust) the next fitting is going to be in about thirty minutes
Cust: half an hour? Is that how long I have to wait? (she looks thoroughly disgusted)
EM: yes, we have ladies waiting already
Cust: There's no one free now?
EM: no, as a fitting takes about 20 minutes
Cust: you're saying that there is no one who can just see me now?
EM: no. The fitters are finishing up with the ladies they are fitting now and they have ladies already waiting for them and they will then be free after that...
Cust: (to another cust who was waiting to pay) you better go in front, I have to think about this...
(EM starts serving on the till)
Cust: is there somewhere to sit?
EM: yes there are sofas downstairs...
(cust wanders off downstairs)

(LATER)

(EM is serving on the till and asks JH to bring some bras up. the cust comes up with her non fussy, non lifting bra)
JH: are these for that lady? (points to the cust EM was serving)
EM: yes
JH: (keeping hold of the bras) I'll finish that off...
EM: (whispering while putting a bag in the bin behind JH) I hate you...

Schedule

(cust comes in 6 minutes before the store closes, goes downstairs and asks HP about getting a fitting)
HP: I'm really sorry but we close in six minutes so we haven't got anything left for today. You can phone up and pre book for another day... I can even book you in now if you want to...
Cust: so you can't do a fitting now, even squeeze me in? I can't do another day because of my schedule I can only do now...
HP: I don't think so. EM is the only person who can and she's on the shop floor. You can ask her but we do close in a couple of minutes...

(cust comes upstairs)

EM: (who has just finished serving another cust on the till) hi there, how can I help?
Cust: the girl downstairs told me to come up and speak to you about a fitting
EM: ok... I'm really sorry but we close in ten minutes, we haven't got a fitting available but if you want to have help while you try on for a few minutes then we can do that
Cust: so you can't do a fitting?
EM: I'm afraid not, it takes about 20 minutes to do and we close in two minutes...
Cust: right...

EM speaks to HP about it later

HP: she's a twat! Going on about her schedule were a shop, we have a schedule too! If we stayed open for just one more customer we would never close!

(here here!)

Just being cruel

(cust trying on sports bras and swim suits)
HP: she wasn't even doing them up she was just holding them behind her saying 'yes, this is good' and now she wants another one. And some more swim suits... I told her that the only other one was the black one that she had tried on but she kept asking me if it was just black and I was like 'yes, it's the one you've tried on twice before'
EM: take her this (moulded Freya sports bra) it's quite stretchy at the back... And it's got this (racer back) so its only got two hooks to contend with...
HP: I can't! She thinks the Royce is too tight!
EM: it will be funny though...
HP: your cruel...
EM: but it's funny though...
HP: well... Yeah...

Bra Angst

Cust: (trying on a bra in a 32HH) can you check this? I don't think it fits...
EM: sure, let's have a look...
Cust: I've got a gap up here... (points to where the strap meets the bra)
EM: that's fine, the wires are where they need to be and your not falling out...
Cust: why do they make bras for fake boobs? You have to be perfectly round to fit these...
EM: having a gap is normal, I've got one...
Cust: do you?
EM: yeah. You would need your boobs to start on your shoulders to fill that...
Cust: which you don't unless you have fake boobs...
(EM starts to stop smiling at this fucktard)
Cust: I'm very fussy... And I hate bra shopping...
EM: well... I can get you some different styles?
Cust: yes please! I want this... (pushes boobs up) I don't want this (pushes boobs flat)
EM: ok, I'll go and have a look...
(EM gets some bras and goes back to cust, who tries one on and opens the door)
Cust: I don't like this (Alana)
EM: ok...
Cust: it's too pointy...
EM: ok... It's giving you the uplift you wanted?
Cust: yes... It's too pointy...
EM: right, well, we can try panache which are flatter...
Cust: ok
(EM gets some more, she tries them on. Cust absolutely loves the Andorra)
Cust: I love this... It's stretchy! what other colours does this come in?
EM: black, white, nude and a pale aqua...
Cust: oooh, can I see them? Do they come with shorts?
EM: sure...
Cust: are they stretchy?
EM: yes they are...
Cust: oooooh!
(EM gets the bras and the shorts in every colour and takes them to cust)
Cust: I need something light... So not the black... I'll take the white, the nude is lovely, I'll have that... (sees the pale aqua) oh no, that's too green. It's like something my granny would wear...

(pretty sure they just did black white and possibly neutral shades when her granny was around... Seeing as she was about 50 herself...)

How did that happen?

HP is taking some clothing upstairs and at about halfway up manages to miss her footing and ends up lying on the stairs with her head resting on the handfuls of clothes she was carrying.

VG thinks it looked like HP just wanted a snooze.
KM found it all very funny but had to go back into her fitting. She later comes out to tell us that her cust had asked her if someone had fallen down the stairs...

Mind blowing

HS got a bit confused by the internal transfer system on the phone. After KM and EM spent ages trying to explain it too her and HS stating that she had a degree from one of the best universities in England but she can't work out how to put a customer on hold, it was decided that a flow chart would be the best option...

No elastic up my bum

Cust: (looking at the Panache Porcelain t-shirt bra in nude) does this come in any other colours?
EM: it comes in a white and a black
Cust: why don't they do it in colours? There so useful under different colour tops. I was lucky and got the brown one when that was out... Is there any fancier ones like it?
(EM completely mis-hears her)
EM: we have this Fantasie one, it is a different shape though...
Cust: have you got any fancy ones?
EM: oh, not really in the same shape. We do have this plunge (Freya Deco) one which comes in colours...
Cust: I've been told I can't wear plunges
EM: oh right, we don't have any others...
Cust: I like this (Luxe Heart) it's my colour but it only comes with thongs.
EM: it does come with briefs, they are on the front
Cust: (starts looking at the thongs again) at the front?
EM: the front wall (walks over to point them out) they're just here...
Cust: I see... (cust starts looking through them) see through back... Racy...

(later)

Cust: they are nice but I can't wear them as they have elastic up the back so it would be just like wearing a thong...

Bows are evil

(cust spots the black and white Freya bra)
Cust: oh that grey one is pretty... And it's Freya! Oh but it's got a silly bow on it... Why do they put bows on them... They stick out and show through things...

(only if your wires are poking out the front and then the bow is the least of your problems...)

What now, sir?

Man: so, is it one size fits all that you do?
EM: noooo... We have lots of different sizes
Man: what's your price range?
EM: our cheapest is about £25 for the bra...
Man: I see... Thanks...

+++ GUEST POST +++

This just got sent to LITBD from a customer service rep. (you know who you are)





Amazing...

Reminds LITBD of www.cakewrecks.com like this...





Because people are going to type it all in caps even though you wrote it in little letters...

Not for me...

Cust: do you have any night wear trousers?
EA: (points to wall) we have that style and we might have some more downstairs in black...
Cust: can I see the black pair?
EA: sure, just pop down and EM will get them for you

(EM gets them and takes them to the cust who is sat on the sofa)

Cust: oh... (puts her head in her hand) I think I'm going to leave it, I'm going to look at what you have online...

Can I finish?

(Cust is looking for sports bras in a 30GG or H. EM gives her the moulded Freya on and goes upstairs to look for the Panache one and then to grab any that she can find.)

EM: ok, I've got what I can find
Cust: I dont like this one as it's har to get on as it only has one hook
EM: yes, you have to pull that one over your head
Cust: it's very uncomfortable...
EM: well, this is the only one I could find in both sizes (Shock Absorber Max Crop Top) I have this one in a GG (Freya Underwired) and its underwired like the Panache one but at the moment we only have the sizes we have upstairs until..
Cust: (interrupting) and these? (pointing to the other two EM had in her hand)
EM: GG in this (Royce Impact free) and a G in this (Shock Absorber D+) as thats the biggest it goes to in a 30. Ok?
Cust: thank you...

Mother doesn't know best...

(Cust comes out after being fitted. she is six months pregnant and has selected four pretty, wired bras. her mum gets up to get ready to go upstairs to pay)

Custs mum: have you not got a non-wired one?
Cust: no, I've got these four...
Custs mum: you really should have an non-wired one, these will did in to you as your tummy gets bigger and hurt you
HS: not nessacerily...
Custs mum: well no, but its something to think about...
HS: lots of ladies wear wired bras all the way through their pregancies without them hurting, some do go into soft cups at about 6-7 months but many don't...
Custs mum: and what wire are these made out of? A soft wire? Titanium?
HS: it's a normal wire in them...
Custs mum: why don't they do wired maternity bras?
HS: you can get wired nursing bras but the soft cups would just be normal bras if they had wires in them...
Cust: I don't want a soft cup, I'm used to having wires, I feel more comfortable in them
Custs mum: but when you grow they will hurt... just try a non-wired one

(Mum sucsessfully bullies her daughter into trying a soft cup, after about 20 minutes of being fitted again mum starts huffing as shes sat in the waiting area. Mum gets up and walks to the booth)

Custs mum: are they going to be long?
EM: well, I think they are trying to find a soft cup that she actually likes
Custs mum: do you have many styles?
EM: well no, we have four...

(Custs mum then shouts down the hall asking if her daughter is going to be long, Cust replies that shes just getting changed.
Later, Cust comes out)

Custs mum: I wasn't bulling you into getting a non-wired one. Its just practical....

Throw us a bone here...

Cust: I've got these bras that I want to bring back as the wires have come out after three weeks. They were replacements for other ones that the wires came out of as well. When these wires came out there was no plastic on them where as there was on the other ones, so I don't think they put any on. Can I see the person who fitted me...
EM: sure, do you remember their name?
Cust: no, she had short hair...
EM: that could be MR, JH, MO or JJ...
Cust: I don't know, she was an older lady...
EM: ok, I can find out from the fitting sheet, what day were you fitted?
Custs daughter: check your receipt. That will tell you who served you
(cust looks at receipt)
EM: ...what day were you fitted?
(cust turns receipt round to show EM but says nothing)
EM: the 15th of December. Ok, I'll get someone to have a look...
(EM radios down, there were three people fitted on that day with the same name as the cust)
EM: what bras were you fitted for? That can narrow it down
Cust: it was two, a black and a white...
EM: are the bras in here? (EM points to the bag)
Cust: yes (starts getting them out)
EM: ok, let's have a look. (radios down) it was an au11 in a 36hh...
VG: (on radio) ok, do you want to send the lady down?
EM: sure...
(cust and her daughter go down stairs)

Summer rage

Cust: do you have any non wired bikinis?
HP: we don't at the moment, we might have some in the summer
Cust: you had one last year...
HP: yeah, I know the one you mean, we send them all back to the warehouse when we are low on stock so you could try the website or figleaves...
Cust: figleaves? Where's that?
HP: it's on the Internet
Custs man: when is the summer catalogue out?
HP: it's going to be in a couple of months
Custs man: what?! People are booking their holidays already!
HP: it's only February... So it will be about April...
Custs man: summer will be over then!

(custs discuss this over and over with HP and then leave. They come back again and ask GC again)

HP: (to GC) if you go down and ask Ella, she might know more...

(GC asks EM downstairs and then goes up)

EM: (calling after GC) we haven't had the spring catalogue yet...
GC: ok, thanks... (to cust) the summer one is out in about May time...
Custs man: oh... ok...

If you're sure...

Cust: can you just do this up for me? (red panache swimsuit)
EM: sure (does it up)
Cust: oh, it's a bit tight (cust turns around) I'm not sure on the colour... Can I try this in a 36ff? (speedos swimsuit)
EM: sure

(EM gets it and comes back, cust has a spotty swimsuit on)

Cust: what do you think to this?
EM: compared to the red one this is fitting much better in the cup
Cust: I preferred the style of the other one as it had tummy support. I thought the cup fitted excellently in fact in that...
EM: ok...

(cust was four boobing like crazy and the wires were sticking out at a crazy angle. She ended up taking a 36ff...)

Lives on a recluse?

HP's sayings board that appeared in the stock room

Hang on

Cust: I would like to get properly fitted for a bra
EM: ok, let me just see when the fitters are next free

(EM phones down and is told that someone is going to check and phone back)

EM: they're just going to find out
Cust: should I go down, would that be better?
EM: they are just going to find out and then let me know...
Cust: oh... I see...

Wham bam...

2am Monday morning VG goes into the shop due to a call out about a burst pipe. EA is already there.

VG walks up to the front door and there are two people leaned up against a pillar by the store opposite, shagging. They don't see VG.

EA goes out for a cigarette five minutes after VG gets in and sees them. The girl squeals 'oh! There's someone watching!'

Moral to the story, don't shag in the street if your not going to want people to see you...

Regretsy

Casually looking through Regretsy, this came up...

'Consent is sexy panties'
http://www.regretsy.com/2012/02/16/rubiks-pubes/









Pass the eye bleach!

Hot drinks requests

HP is in green

Waste not...

If something's broke, fix it with crumpets!

Listen

(cust is in a changing room and pops her head out of the door to ask a question)
Cust: can I have these pants in a small?
EM: I'll just check to see if we should have any upstairs for you
(EM checks on the computer and there are none in store, EM checks mail order and they have completely sold out in that size. EM knocks on the custs door)
EM: hi, we don't have any here and I've checked mail order and they have sold out completely in that size. So we have the bra but no bottoms I'm afraid
Cust: ok, never mind

(EM goes back to the computer.)

Custs mum: (from the back of the waiting area) excuse me, that's my daughter your talking to. Are the pants available on the website?
EM: no, they have sold out...
Custs mum: completely?
EM: yes.

What are you doing???

(there are plastic champagne flutes in the staff room with the remnants of bucks fizz left in them, MR picks one up)

MR: do you think the person who had this has aids? (she tips it back to drink it)
EM: (horrified look on her face) m...maybe?!

Well... Fuck off then

(EA is outside having a cigarette as its 9:50 and she doesn't start work until 10:00, when the store opens. EM goes outside to have a scout and see if it's busy. EM shuts the door behind her. Cust comes up and starts shaking the doors, which are locked)

EM: oh, sorry. We don't open until 10:00...
Cust: (mumbles) 10:00, 10:00...

(EA has moved out of the custs way. The cust starts to walk off but as she passes EA the cust starts wafting her hand in front of her face)

EA: did you see that!
EM: yeah...
EA: what a bitch!
EM: she can piss off to Debenhams then...

Nice

(JJ goes out for a fitting and sees the cust)

JJ: oh, I think I've done you before?

Just tell me...

EM: are you here for a fitting?
Cust: yes, I am
EM: was there anything in particular you were looking for?
Cust: yes
EM: ...any particular styles or colours?
Cust: I've seen some in the catalogue upstairs
EM: ...ok...

She's a strange one

Cust: I've got this bra but it's too small, I come over the top in it.
EM: ok, let me get you the bigger cup...
(EM gets it, the satin plunge and cust tries it on)
Cust: that's better, let me just try my top on, as I have loads of shirts that are low, and I'm not buying new shirts!
(cust puts on her scoop neck top and pulls it down so that the scoop uncovers half her boobs, lo and behold, you can see the bra.)
Cust: see, the smaller one didn't do that...
EM: ok...
Cust: (puts her hands on her hips and the top moves up covering her bra. Cust pulls the top back down) I don't know what to do now... The others didn't show but this is so comfortable... I've got another one, the alana, the wires are too high. You see when I have a nap in the day I have to take it off, it's so uncomfortable, I have trigger points under my arms and I don't want to set them off...
EM: we could try a different style? Are your other tops as low as this or are they v-necked?
Cust: there all scoop necked like this...
(as cust is talking, her top goes back up to cover her bra)
Cust: well my top keeps riding up here and that's fine... Maybe that's where they sit? I'm going to take the bigger one but keep the smaller one too, so I can try them with my shirts at home...

Slave

(Cust comes down the stairs with some swimsuits, HS shows her into a room and gets another size for her to try. The custs friend comes down)

Friend: is Celine here?
EM: err...
Friend: lady with a green scarf?
EM: I think she is in here... (EM points to changing room with the door shut)
HS: here's the bigger size for you... (Cust opens door)
Cust: thank you
Friend: are you dealing with her?
HS: yes...?
Friend: here's a list of other swimsuits she wants to try on
HS: ok

Smelly

(New denim jacket comes in, HS is unpacking it when EM walks in the stockroom)

EM: mmm... it smells of melting plastic...
HS: it's horrible... these smell
EM: what do? The jackets?
HS: yeah (gets EM to smell a sleeve)
EM: oooh, they do... it's like they smell of chlorine...
HS: that's to get rid of the bugs... when they got this off the tip...

Charity... Or not

(E-mail from another store)

Good morning,
Can anyone help my plea???? We sold off our old pink robes in aid of Tommy's charity (sold as seen) unfortunately one lovely lady has called to complain that there is no belt with her  robe and would like us to post out one to her immediately as she is very dissapointed after making such a kind donation :-(

The tradgedy is that we simply don't have a single belt left and fear that the lovely lady will want a refund of her £5 'donation'

Please does anyone have a spare belt we can give to this wonderful lady to put her out of her misery?

Phone call fail

(cust is on the phone with EM. She asks about four tankinis and if they were in store. One was, two were not and one, the Lauren was a mail order only style as it was quite old. Cust had said she had seen them all online and her size was a 38J)

EM: we don't have the Lauren in store it's all at our warehouse. If your size is available you can order it from the website, you can phone our mail order department or we can order it for you of you come into store...
Cust: how much is it?
EM: err, I'll just check the website... It's £21.50
Cust: £21?
EM: £21.50
Cust: I can phone the warehouse?
EM: you can phone the mail order department and they can do it, yes. Do you want their number?
Cust: yes
EM: do you have a pen and paper ready?
Cust: yes
EM: ok, it's...

(EM reads her the number in blocks eg: 1234 - 567 - 890. The cust reads back each block number for number)

Cust: ok, thank you
EM: thanks, bye

(EM then thinks 'if she checked the website, why didn't she know how much it was?' on checking the stock a 38J had sold out)

(Later the phone rings, HS answered by giving her and the shop name)

HS: ...how can I help?
Cust: oh yes. I think I just spoke to you?
HS: I think you just spoke to EM... But, what can I do for you?
Cust: I've got a phone number here but it doesn't look right... I'm missing a number somewhere...

(HS checks the number with the cust, it looks like she missed one off the end. HS also thinks she lied when she said had a pen and the cust just tried to memorise the number)

Alright bitch!

EA: (on radio) can you help the lady down with the buggy?
EM: (while coming up the stairs) is JH not out of the room yet?
Cust: (butting in) if it's too much trouble I'll just go elsewhere
EM: I'm just asking as JH has been in the fitting for quite some time
Cust: oh
EA: she said she would be five minutes
JH: (coming up the stairs) yeah, I'll be five minutes
EM: ok, where shall I grab the buggy?
JH: does it detach? (the carseat part)
Cust: yes... You know what, I'll wait...
EM: are you sure?
Cust: yeah...

Wide on

What's been hidden in these?

















Dressing to the left?

Good old fashioned horrors

Thank you ASOS for this lot... LITBD loves it when you can tell even the model is not sure about what she has on, like the picture directly below...

Grand stuff!




Squeezy



Wow, breast bone meet bra. LITBD knows you guys should have met...




Fuck. Good luck doing any movement in that. Including waving...




LOOKATTHEFACE
THENLOOKATTHEBRA




Hohahaha... And it's a Freya. They go down to a 28 back... No excuse!




DROWNING IN BRA! On one side...




Don't worry about this potentially sliding down and your boobs flopping out. Just lift your arms up...




Udder boobs!




No cup and still can't cram them in... No hope!




Snug!




Attack boob going in for the kill...




She has fake tits and this thing still doesn't work... Uhoh!




Small!




Lolz!




Shit! They must have airbrushed her overhanging nipples out of this pic!




So... Wtf?




It's a boob tube... For people with plastic knockers...




Whee! There you go boob vom. How we have missed you.




BAHAHAHA!




BAHAHAHAHAHA!




Bahaha... Holy shit. They peddle this shit to pregnant ladies?!?




Who needs a matching set?! FUCK IT!

Can you eat it?

Mmmm streaky... Kinda like this...

Wow... Complicated

Good old ASOS...




Hook and eye down the front...




Crazy in the front...




Like dungarees in the back!




Actually described as a waistcoat




Has a zip down the front

Squeeze them in

Imogen Thomas crams them in



Denise Welch and friends with their bad bras



Jennifer Ellison escaping the sequins

Seen this before?

And here's one that went a bit wrong...






God bless Ann Summers for shit like this...

Snatch identification

Here's a great way of letting your latest shag know what's in your drawers...

















Stay classy...